Reference letter of a musician

Question

Hi,

Please give me your kind comments/remarks/correction about the letter I wrote and help me to improve it.

best regards,
mariann

Dear Madam/Sir!

My name is x y, now i am working for the Hungarian Embassy in z, as a consulate administrator. I am always interested in music, as i am Hungarian, mainly the Hungarian music. Earlier I organised concerts and music festivals, then i worked in an on-line music magazine, now I am doing my best to acquaint the Hungarian bands and musicians in a. In Hungary there are a lot of talented musicians, unfortunately without having proper financial and professional support they are not known outside of Hungary. I think, i will do my all that the Hungarian music become well-known.

With moving to a I decided to hunt up the facilities. I think I will support the most talented musician in Hungary. I believed he could represent the Hungarian music becomingly. He is B C. In spite of his youth he has already made a hit! His second album - called D D released in November 2004. I enclosed this album to You! I should like you to listen to it, report on it, advise me and we could discuss about the releasing in a.

With the possible releasing I should try to make a carrier for C consciously.
I would if he had some live acts in E, or in the other parts of A. My aim is not the popularity with these live acts, I would that B should play in proper level. Unfortunately in Hungary this haven't been running for years. In our country there are no money for proper sound system, lights or simple a good concert. I would that C may show up, where people lay store by good music. Because he is a musician in Hungary it set a limit to his talent.

At the rating of the album You don't leave C B's results out of consideration! Many re-mixers (Paul Rogers, Fandora, Easy Life Natural, Mannel, Pluto Project, Banyek) made remixes for his song and released on many compilation discs around Europe - like in France, German, Brittan, Holland, Greece, and Italy. B also worked with other artist in Hungary and abroad - like Addie Brik (singer from the early Red Hot Chilli Peppers), co-produced a Hungarian pop band (Ízis - Sony Music), written film score ('A Valóság' - Independent), made video game music and effects ('Sir Arthur') and composed music for a play. An English records is interested in his second album too.

I hope I arouse Your interest!

I request the favour of a reply at your earliest convenience!

Best regards,

X Y
(contact: Email Removed)

P. S.: I am so sorry to send to You just a copy of the album! Fortunately, D D have been selling very well in Hungary and now it is running out! If you are interested in C B's album seriously, please tell me, and I will send you one from the second edition!

Nona the brit · Accepted Answer

Hi.

Your letter does need quite a bit of attention.

I'm finding it slightly hard to follow with all the As, Bs, Cs, Ds, and Es in there so if you want to post a further draft could you make it a bit simpler and make up names as replacements for the real ones! (although I don't see why you need a euphamism for an area -A and E? - anyway).

The first paragraph has a lot of waffle and I didn't really follow what your letter was about until much further down. You need to make things clearer earlier.

I would suggest

Paragraph one: state that you are representing musicians CB and DD?(I'm a bit lost here) and that you hope the person you are writing to will want to ...what? Buy a CD, book the band for a gig, promote them in another country, arrange an international stadium tour...what?

Paragraph two onwards:Further details about the band(s).

Final paragraph: Brief details about your experience and why you can recommend a band (I don't think the fact that you are an administrator has any relevance).

Thanks and sign off

Note - I (as in me) should always use the capital letter.

No exclamation mark after Dear Sir/Madam

Lmariann · Answer

Thanks for your kindness![L]I hope it is better, than the former version...please correct it! thank you very much:)

Dear Madam/Sir,

My name is Mariann Lévai. I would like to present Dani Karányi, he said to be the most talented musician in Hungary. In spite of his youth he has already made a hit. I would like to promote him in Sweden, and I hope you could help me to release Karányi’s second album.

Dani Karányi was born Budapest, Hungary, in 1982. He learnt classical piano for over 6 years, and he loved the early progressive rock bands. After a while he began to make own music on his first computer and he made a lot of experimental track. When he was 18, he released his first album called ’Oktogon’. Dani became famous by ’Dallam’. Many remixers made remixes for this song and relased on many compilation discs around Europe. Dani also worked with other artist in Hungary and abroad – like Addie Brik (singer form the early Red Hot Chilli Peppers), co-produced a Hungarian pop band, written film score, made videogame music and effects and composed music for a play.

In April 2004 he made his first EP called Road to Home. The new material is much different like before: more popular, more exciting then ever. This is the first only-on-Internet EP in Hungary. Many artist made their remixes for Road To Home. The Road To Home video is different too like most of the Hungarian videos. It’s fully 3D designed action video.

The second album – called DIGITAL DIGITAL released in November 2004. Many new artists collaborated on this album. The second album is more exciting like before. Most of the tracks are faster, stronger and popular inspirated by UK garage, break beat and classical music. An English record is interested in his second album too.

I am always interested in music, as I am Hungarian, mainly the Hungarian music. Earlier I organised concerts and music festivals, then I worked in an on-line music magazine, now I am doing my best to acquaint the Hungarian bands and musicians in Sweden. In Hungary there are a lot of talented musicians, unfortunately without having proper financial and professional support they are not known outside of Hungary. I think, I will do my all that the Hungarian music become well-known. With moving to Sweden I decided to hunt up the facilities. I think I will support the most talented musician in Hungary. I believed he could represent the Hungarian music becomingly.

With the possible releasing I should try to make a carrier for Karányi consciously.
I would if he had some live acts in Stockholm, or in the other parts of Sweden. My aim is not the popularity with these live acts, I would that Dani should play in proper level. Unfortunately in Hungary this haven't been running for years. In our country there are no money for proper sound system, lights or simple a good concert. I would that Karányi may show up, where people lay store by good music. Because he is a musician in Hungary it set a limit to his talent.

I request the favour of a reply at your earliest convenience!

Thanks,

Mariann Lévai

Nona the brit · Answer

Hi,

Ok, it still needs some work but it is better. At least they know what you want now!

My name is Mariann Lévai. I would like to present Dani Karányi, he remove he said to be the most talented musician in Hungary. In spite of his youth he has already made a hit record?. I would like to promote him in Sweden, and I hope you could help me to release Karányi’s second album.

I've helped you out a bit with the next paragraphs but if it were my letter, I would forget his early history (who cares?) and just talk about the successes of his first album, his live work with well know musicians and so on - briefly!
Dani Karányi was born Budapest, Hungary, in 1982. He learnt classical piano for over 6 years, and he loved the early progressive rock bands. After a while he began to make his own music on his first computer and he made a lot of experimental tracks. When he was 18, he released his first album called ’Oktogon’. Dani became famous by ’Dallam’. I don't understand this sentenceMany remixers made remixes for this song and relased on many compilation discs around Europe. Dani also worked with other artists in Hungary and abroad – like Addie Brik (singer form the early Red Hot Chilli Peppers), co-produced a Hungarian pop band, written film score, made videogame music and effects and composed music for a play.

In April 2004 he made his first EP called Road to Home. The new material is much different like before: more popular, more exciting then ever. This is the first only-on-Internet EP in Hungary. Many artist made their remixes for Road To Home. The Road To Home video is different too like most of the Hungarian videos. It’s fully 3D designed action video.

The second album – called DIGITAL DIGITAL released in November 2004. Many new artists collaborated on this album. The second album is more exciting like before. Most of the tracks are faster, stronger and popular inspirated by UK garage, break beat and classical music. An English record is interested in his second album too.
This paragraph would be better at the end as it is more 'additional information' than really important (no offence!).
I am always interested in music, as I am Hungarian, mainly the Hungarian music. Earlier I organised concerts and music festivals, then I worked in an on-line music magazine, now I am doing my best to acquaint the Hungarian bands and musicians in Sweden. In Hungary there are a lot of talented musicians, unfortunately without having proper financial and professional support they are not known outside of Hungary. I think, I will do my all that the Hungarian music become well-known.

These need rephrasing.With moving When I moved to to Sweden I decided to hunt up investigate the facilities. I think I will decided to support the most talented musician in Hungary. I believed believe he could represent the Hungarian music becomingly becomingly not the right word.

With the possible releasing I should try to make a carrier for Karányi consciously. I do not understand this sentence

I would if he had some live acts in Stockholm, or in the other parts of Sweden. nor this oneMy aim is not the popularity with these live acts, I would that Dani should play in proper level or this one really?.

Unfortunately in Hungary this haven't been running for years. In our country there are no money for proper sound system, lights or simple a good concert. I would that Karányi may show up, where people lay store by good music. Because he is a musician in Hungary it set a limit to his talent. I would drop this part.(Other wise shorten and re-phrase it

I request the favour of a reply at your earliest convenience! 'at your earliest convenience' is not really polite, it is demanding a quick reply.

Reference letter of a musician

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