Reason behind studying

Question

Hi teachers, I would like you to check these two paragraph and tell me which you like better and make sure of how it flows please, and importantly I would like to cut it down as it is too wordy.

1) Before entering the UCS graduate group I received my B.S. and M.S. degrees in clinical genetics. I started my career as a clinical geneticist. After gaining experience in practical applications on the effects of genetics on health, I developed a strong interest in bridging the gap between research and practice and decided to pursue an M.S. I then served on the faculty in the department of Nutrition at AUB in Lebanon. Thus, obtaining a doctoral degree from UCS GM will further elevate my knowledge and research ability to develop expertise in the remarkable field of genetics and education.

2) Before entering the UCS graduate group I received my B.S. and M.S. degrees in clinical genetics. I started my career as a clinical geneticist. Following completion of my M.S, I then served on the faculty in the department of Nutrition at AUB in Lebanon, where I developed a strong interest in bridging the gap between research and practice. Thus, obtaining a doctoral degree from UCS GM will further elevate my knowledge and research ability to develop expertise in the remarkable field of genetics and education.

Thanks in advance.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The sequence of events is murky. It is not logical. It is very difficult to follow.
This is my best attempt at a paraphrase. I have filled in some additional information that you need to modify for your particular circumstances.

After graduating with a BSc and MSc in clinical genetics, I worked in industry for *** years. During this time, my interest in basic research grew, and I went for a second MSc in the same field. I then served on the faculty in the Department of Nutrition at AUB in Lebanon. After several years as an associate instructor, I now realize that to expand my horizons in either academia or industry, I need to get a doctorate. Obtaining a doctoral degree from UCS GM is the next logical step on my career path. My ultimate goal is first to teach and second, to develop GM foods for dryland farming.

Anonymous · Answer

AlpheccaStarshe sequence of events is murky. It is not logical. It is very difficult to follow.This is my best attempt at a paraphrase. I have filled in some additional information that you need to modify for your particular circumstances.

Thank you very much for your help. I like that but there are two issue. I need to cut it down as I have been told that it was too long, and I only received one M.S. Following its completion I served on the faculty.

The trick is I need to be brief and not go into details, and that was why I provided to examples that I would like to be adjusted without further context, maybe you can substitute to clarify. What do you think?

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Anonymous I only received one M.S.

The first paragraph you wrote can be interpreted as your having 2 MSc degrees.
What is the actual sequence of events in your life?
Why is it "too long?" You have only a few sentences.

Anonymous · Answer

AlpheccaStarsThe first paragraph you wrote can be interpreted as your having 2 MSc degrees.

Both paragraphs start the same way, so do you mean the second paragraph does not convey that I have 2 MSc degrees?

AlpheccaStarsWhat is the actual sequence of events in your life?

Here is what I originally had, but decided to cut it down. They liked it but indicated it was too long and wordy:

Before entering the UCS graduate group I received my B.S. Molecular genetics and started my career as a clinical geneticist. After gaining experience in practical applications on the effects of genetics on health, I developed a strong interest in bridging the gap between research and practice and decided to continue my studies. Following completion of my M.S. in genetics as well, I served on the faculty in the department of Nutrition at AUB in Lebanon. Thus, obtaining a doctoral degree from UCS GM will further elevate my knowledge and research ability to develop expertise in the remarkable field of genetics and education.

An alternative:

Before entering the UCS graduate group I received my B.S. Molecular genetics and started my career as a clinical geneticist. I then went on to complete my M.S. in genetics as well and served on the faculty in the department of Nutrition at AUB in Lebanon While working as an educator, I developed a strong interest in bridging the gap between research and practice and decided to continue my studies. Obtaining a doctoral degree from UCS GM will further elevate my knowledge and research ability to develop expertise in the remarkable field of genetics and education.

What do you think of those two? If you think they are better than the previous I would greatly appreciate your edits on them.

Anonymous · Answer

AlpheccaStarsWhy is it "too long?" You have only a few sentences.

Hi again, Here is another alternative in which I used some of your edits.

Please tell me which you like best and if it is possible to cut down some text

Before entering the UCS graduate group I received my B.S. in Genetics and started my career as a clinical geneticist. I then went on to complete my M.S. in Genetics and served on the faculty in the department of Nutrition at AUB in Lebanon. While working as an instructor, I realized that to expand my horizons in nutrition and academia, I needed to continue my studies. Obtaining a doctoral degree from UCS GM will further elevate my knowledge and research ability to develop expertise in the remarkable field of genetics and education.

I am thinking maybe you can reduce the last sentence by paraphrasing it!!

Anonymous · Answer

AlpheccaStarsWhy is it "too long?" You have only a few sentences.

Sorry to bother you again, I made a few more edits, decreased text and incorporated more of your suggested edits.

Before entering the UCS graduate group I received my B.S. in Genetics and started my career as a clinical geneticist. I then went on to complete my M.S. in Genetics and served on the faculty in the department of Nutrition at AUB in Lebanon. After several years as an instructor, I realize that to expand my horizons and develop expertise in genetics and academia, I need to continue my studies. Obtaining a doctoral degree from UCS GM is the next logical step on my career path.

What do you think?

AlpheccaStars · Answer

~~Before entering the UCS graduate group~~ I received my B.S. in Genetics from Jackson State University in 2003 and started my career as a clinical geneticist with ABC Laboratories, Ltd. In 2006, I ~~then went on~~ left to complete my M.S. in Genetics and subsequently joined ~~served on~~ the faculty in the department of Nutrition at AUB in Lebanon. After several years as an instructor, I realized that to expand my horizons and develop expertise applicable to both~~genetics~~ industry and academia, I need to continue my studies. Obtaining a doctoral degree from UCS GM is the next logical step on my career path.

Anonymous · Answer

AlpheccaStarsBefore entering the UCS graduate group I received

Thank you very much, AStars.

I few comments I would like to share with you.
1. My instructor told me not to mention the schools I received my prior degrees from. Can just delete it?
2. I am hoping that this message conveys that I am still a faculty at AUB, so does it matter if I say “industry” instead of “genetics” as you have edited?
3. Can I say “.. to complete my M.S. in the same field .....” instead of saying “genetics” again?

Lastly, do you like this version better than all the other and think it is well written (of course thats because of your help), as I would like to impress my mentors and department in which they will post it?

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Anonymous1. My instructor told me not to mention the schools I received my prior degrees from.

Why? It is the first question that the admitting university will ask you.

Anonymous2. I am hoping that this message conveys that I am still a faculty at AUB

It does, since that is the most recent position and you have not said that you have changed jobs.

Anonymousso does it matter if I say “industry” instead of “genetics” as you have edited?

There are two types of jobs: 1 - in a commercial company or government (industry) and 2 - in a university (academia).

So your career path will lead to a position in one of these types of jobs.

If you say "genetics and academia," it means you have decided that you will not take a position in a research organization of a company, such as Amgen or Genentech, or a government position.

It also makes no sense to say "genetics" again, since I assume that is the department of study you are asking about.

Anonymous3. Can I say “.. to complete my M.S. in the same field .....” instead of saying “genetics” again?

Say "genetics" again. It is shorter.
You can also give the M.S. specialty such as "plant genetics" or "hereditary disease genetics" etc.

Anonymous · Answer

AlpheccaStarsWhy? It is the first question that the admitting university will ask you.

I am already in the USC program and the paragraph that we have been working on will be put on the program’s website. They requested that it should be brief, just to give an idea about the current students in the program.

I am assuming that the paragraph we have applies to this purpose. Right?

AlpheccaStarsIt does, since that is the most recent position and you have not said that you have changed jobs.

I thought so. Also. because once I complete my doctorate I will return to that same position. That was why I asked. But I don’t need to say that. They don’t want details.

AlpheccaStarsThere are two types of jobs: 1 - in a commercial company or government (industry) and 2 - in a university (academia).So your career path will lead to a position in one of these types of jobs.If you say "genetics and academia," it means you have decided that you will not take a position in a research organization of a company, such as Amgen or Genentech, or a government position.It also makes no sense to say "genetics" again, since I assume that is the department of study you are asking about.

True, Thanks for the clarification. In fact, I liked the inclusion of “industry” sounds professional.

AlpheccaStarsSay "genetics" again. It is shorter. You can also give the M.S. specialty such as "plant genetics" or "hereditary disease genetics" etc.

Got it.

Since I was asked not to provide details nor dates of previous schools or occupation, Would it be OK to use “I then went on to complete my M.S. ...” instead of what you suggested due to my mentors request? If you have another suggestion that works better that would be great.

I really like this last version. Your writing skills are unbelievable! I can’t thank you enough.

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