Realization

Question

Realization Agressivness paves down my mindhollowness tattersAusterity leaves me aphonicAny unnatural pose reduces meI feel so minisculein this whole world of penitence with realization of what I have acquiredand what obdurate***********************Copyright 2005 Shania*****************************************************RegardsShania

Mister Micawber · Accepted Answer

Hello Shania, and welcome to English Forums.

Actually, I rather like the echoes of the sounds here, but your misspelling of the first word put me on the alert, and I find that I cannot really locate any sense in this verbiage. Paves down creates no image; I don't see how hollowness can tatter anything, etc. And there is no punctuation. Poetry should exhibit cooperation between the poet's vision and the reader's view of it: this one asks too much of me. I cannot understand what the persona has realized.

Shania · Answer

Hi Mister

Thanks for the reply and for correcting me . I accept that the first word was not spelt correctly.

Realization

Aggressiveness paves down my mind ( Paves down : progresses down or sinks into my mind)
Hollowness tatters ( Hollowness of mind , shallow thoughts shreds/ rags my soul )
Austerity leaves me aphonic ( Portray of austerity leave me speechless )
Any unnatural pose reduces me ( Artificial Faces reduce me )
I feel so miniscule
in this whole world of penitence , ( In this whole worldly trap of regrets )
With realization of what I have acquired
and what obdurate ! (I have a realization what I have acquired and what I have lost)

*********Human beings have a very strong tendency of portraying an artificial face in front of the world. People pretend that they are not materialistic, yet they are. They are very hollow personalities however they are their best judge, they can realize what they have lost in their lives just because of the person they are or attitude they possess.

I am the common man here!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have never written anything for masses Mister. I write these to get myself out of the shallow lives that we are living.

I really appreciate you for your time and patience. I would also like to see your mails in my mailbox.

If you could guide me a little bit about the kind of punctuation that is required. I would be really obliged.

And don't be scared if my writings ask for too much from you!!!!!!!!!!

I will be happy to learn

Thanks

Best Regards

Shania

Mister Micawber · Answer

Cogito ergo sum. But Descartes had to explain to his readers what he meant. A poem should not have to be explained; if you write for yourself, then my comments are unnecessary. Some representative further points (following on your explanations):

Pave means:
1 : to lay or cover with material (as asphalt or concrete) that forms a firm level surface for travel
2 : to cover firmly and solidly as if with paving material

Your mind is capped with aggressiveness? It sounds very utilitarian.

Aphonic means speechless, but is a medical/scientific word, so is of the wrong register for the rest of the piece.
Obdurate is an adjective, and so your final statement is incomplete/

Nothing intrinsically wrong with any of these words, but they don't seem to fit in to the poem's form or mood or subject or grammar (choose one or more). Word selection is a horrid, frustrating exercise, but you must pursue it to the end. Judge a word not solely on synonymy or sound or sense or style, but on all together.

On to punctuation. My suggestion is to punctuate as you would any English communication. Why would you not?-- it helps the reader make sense of the sequence of words:

Aggressivness paves down my mind.
Hollowness tatters, and
austerity leaves me aphonic.
Any unnatural pose reduces me--
I feel so miniscule.
in this whole world of penitence,
with realization of what I have acquired
and what abandoned.

Shania · Answer

Hi Mister Micawber

Thanks.I really appreciate your help .

Take Care

Best Regards

Shania

Anita_a · Answer

Don't mind my saying this but it seems to me as if the poem has just stepped out of a thesarus.Maybe just simple words would bring more beauty to the poem and would be more understandable for the reader.

Realization

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