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Petusek Posted 14 years ago
Business & Finance

Re-wording a sentence using a synonym ("to monitor")

There are two complex sentence, both of which include the same word. I'd like to avoid one of the instances while preserving the meaning.

"The added value of the ... consists in monitoring competitor behaviour. By continuous -monitoring- and assesment of the competitive environment, the user gains the information necessary for successful implementation of other business opportunities and the needed competitive advantage (an idea of the price, scope, style of dealings, etc.)."

I'll be grateful for any advice, commentts or corrections, both in terms of grammar and vocabulary (the second sentence doesn't sound very natural to me).

Many thanks in advance!

P.
  

Top answer

Try to pare down your sentences so they are less obfuscated and more precise: The added value of the ... consists in monitoring the competitor. By continuous observation and *** essment of his behaviour , the user gains competitive advantage and t he information (price, scope, style) necessary to implement other business opportunities.

— Mister Micawber

  • Try to pare down your sentences so they are less obfuscated and more precise: The added value of the ...
  • consists in monitoring the competitor.
  • By continuous observation and *** essment of his behaviour , the user gains competitive advantage and t he information (price, scope, style) necessary to implement other business opportunities.
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6 Answers
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Try to pare down your sentences so they are less obfuscated and more precise:

The added value of the ... consists in monitoring the competitor. By continuous observation and ***essment of his behaviour, the user gains competitive advantage and the information (price, scope, style) necessary to implement other business opportunities.
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Hello,

Thank you very much. That looks much better indeed.

As the sentence refers to ALL potential competitors, I would just change it to make it plural, i.e. competitors, their, etc. I thought I would use to observe, but I wasn't sure if the meaning would be the same as that of to monitor.

Thanks a lot, again!

P.
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'The competitor' refers to competitors as a component of the business environment. It is better style as a singular noun.
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I see. How can I avoid sexism then? Is it ok to use their despite the referent being singular? I know the masculine is the unmarked, generic gender, but I've been taught to avoid pronouns such as his or her (admittedly, they make little sense when it comes to a firm).

Thanks, again!
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Previously I researched this issue and noticed a shift based on the dating of the source from using "he" to "he or she" to today's increasingly common "they." I hear the third person plural used frequently in business in the manner you're asking about. If you're hesistant to use it, why not simply "it" and "its" when referring to a firm?
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Thanks, Shawn79. I somehow felt it and its wouldn't be ok. After all, firms are managed and represented by people, right? It's not difficult for me to contradict myself, as you've probably noticed already.
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