re: Need your opinion for this writing (URGENT)

Dear all

Is there anyone else can do me a favour to edit my writing? I wish to take an International Test In FCE, however, I am not confident enough with my writing, so I really wish to have your idea and advise of my homework. I've got myself a topic as below:

Question
You have seen the following announcement in an international magazine for 16-25 year olds:

'Young people are spending more time each day on their computers than watching television. Is this a change for the better?'

We are interested in your views on this topic. You can contribute to the debate by sending us a short article with your opinion.

And herein is my writing based on the topic:

The answer will be more accurate if we can make a comparision of the advantages and disadvantages between computers and television. Undoubtly, communication and leisure are two major parts of our lives which computers and television have improved.

In communication, one of the things has changed our lives immensely is the Internet. With connecting to the Internet, people are no longer to travel a long distance to visit their friends or parents. They can even find out more information as well as participate in many discussions at the same time. On the other hands, you can’t get this on television. However, leisure is another aspect of everyday life that television has brough to us. Just holding a remote control on your hand, you can sit down and relax to choose your favourite channels or programmes. From my point of view, it is worth than playing the computer games which are involved violence and cruetly.

Eventually, as for me, I’d rather to spend more time on computer than watching television, because I am interested in learning English so I wish to get more information about it.

Well, I understand that based on the rule of this English forum, you are not able to give any comments, but please tell me what is your opinion about it

I will be grateful to recieve your reply

Thanks