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Anonymous Posted 11 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing
Rate this paragraph out of 10
Please could you rate this paragraph out of 10 and comment on any mistakes / improvements I can make. Thanks teachers.
I stood at the stairway leading to an old abandoned room. I thought to myself ‘should I enter, or should I leave while I still have the chance? I harnessed every morsel of courage in my now trembling self, and crept cautiously through the doorway ahead. I found myself standing at the foot of the doorway, staring vacantly into an open window, which was the only window, and indeed source of light, in the room. Two pieces of what were once curtains blew melancholically as the wind swept through the room. It enveloped my body, and for a moment, I mistook it for poltergeist, an icy spirit from a bygone age when children of the orphanage would have lived this room. An icy shiver jolted down my spine, dissipating at my feet of jelly, which caused the mottled wood below to creak and crack as I walked further into the room.
I stood at the stairway leading to an old abandoned room. I thought to myself ‘should I enter, or should I leave while I still have the chance? I harnessed every morsel of courage in my now trembling self, and crept cautiously through the doorway ahead. I found myself standing at the foot of the doorway, staring vacantly into an open window, which was the only window, and indeed source of light, in the room. Two pieces of what were once curtains blew melancholically as the wind swept through the room. It enveloped my body, and for a moment, I mistook it for poltergeist, an icy spirit from a bygone age when children of the orphanage would have lived this room. An icy shiver jolted down my spine, dissipating at my feet of jelly, which caused the mottled wood below to creak and crack as I walked further into the room.
Top answer
Comments: Given that I’m reading your paragraph at midday with the temperature outside being 25 Celsius, I might be overly critical here, but: You were standing at a stairway…did you climb those stairs? The room is described as both old and abandoned…is it older than the house itself? The paragraph does not tell us what prompts your nervous state.
- Comments: Given that I’m reading your paragraph at midday with the temperature outside being 25 Celsius, I might be overly critical here, but: You were standing at a stairway…did you climb those stairs?
- The room is described as both old and abandoned…is it older than the house itself?
- The paragraph does not tell us what prompts your nervous state.
- You crept cautiously through the doorway…this places you inside the room.
- Next you are standing at the ‘foot’ of the doorway…not sure if you are looking back at it?
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1 Answers
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Comments:
Given that I’m reading your paragraph at midday with the temperature outside being 25 Celsius, I might be overly critical here, but:
You were standing at a stairway…did you climb those stairs?
The room is described as both old and abandoned…is it older than the house itself?
The paragraph does not tell us what prompts your nervous state.
You crept cautiously thro
Given that I’m reading your paragraph at midday with the temperature outside being 25 Celsius, I might be overly critical here, but:
You were standing at a stairway…did you climb those stairs?
The room is described as both old and abandoned…is it older than the house itself?
The paragraph does not tell us what prompts your nervous state.
You crept cautiously thro
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