Punctuation Errors

Question

Hi, I've been struggling to perfect this short poem. I believe that the first four lines contain the correct punctuation, however, line 4 is confusing me as 'Into my flesh a memory' just doesn't read right, but I don't want to put a comma in after 'Into my flesh' as it it would unnecessarily parenthesise that phrase. Could anyone help?

Thanks in advance!

‘A Memory’

His empty eyes never falter,
Like the roaring of the ocean
On horizons of despair.
Much like the salty air, he cuts
Into my flesh a memory
Of that inscribed in black ink.

GPY · Accepted Answer

What does "that" refer to?

Sailsofoblivion · Answer

His poetic legacy. It's a continuation of a series of poems about a writer. Do you think that the problem lies in my use of that?

GPY · Answer

At first I read "that inscribed in black ink" as referring to some new (unnamed) thing that is inscribed in black ink. Then I realised that "that" probably referred to something already mentioned, or which the reader should understand from previous context, but I wasn't sure exactly what. Assuming the latter is intended, I wonder if it might be clearer to split the lines like this, if the metre will bear it:

Much like the salty air, he cuts
Into my flesh a memory of that
Inscribed in black ink.

I don't think there is a problem with the punctuation.

Sailsofoblivion · Answer

Thank you so much for your help, I would have never thought of doing that!

With regards to the punctuation, do you think that it's alright to use a comma in the first line? I feel like it splits it up quite nicely and works from a grammatical point of view as it an introductory phrase.

I think it reads well, the only issue is that the syllable count has now changed from 8/8/7 to 8/10/5 - but there are still the same amount of sylabbles in each sentance, so I think it's acceptable.

‘A Memory’

His empty eyes never falter,
Like the roaring of the ocean
On horizons of despair.
Much like the salty air, he cuts
Into my flesh a memory of that
Inscribed in black ink.

GPY · Answer

In my view the comma in the first line is OK. To slightly contradict what I said earlier, I'm wondering now if a comma after "of that" would also be beneficial, or whether it would just look fussy... Not sure ...

Sailsofoblivion · Answer

It would work as a breath pause right? I'm not sure, I think it's alright without it...

'Much like the salty air, he cuts Into my flesh a memory of that, Inscribed in black ink.'

As opposed to:

'Much like the salty air, he cuts Into my flesh a memory of that Inscribed in black ink.'

My only concern about it would be that it needlessly parenthesise that phrase, but I'm aware of breath pauses etc, so it could work...

As for the first line, I think a pause is needed at some point during the first sentance and as it can be justified grammatically, I think it works. When the sentance is written out in full it works better with a comma:

'His empty eyes never falter, like the roaring of the ocean on horizons of despair.'

'His empty eyes never falter like the roaring of the ocean on horizons of despair.'

Anonymous · Answer

you're writing poetry not prose; I think it's better to keep it simple, but it's up to your style

His empty eyes never falter
Like the roaring of the ocean
On horizons of despair
Much like the salty air he cuts
Into my flesh a memory
inscribed in black ink

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