Proposal Correction

Question

Could you help me with this proposal? It's the first one I've ever written. It would also be helpful if you could tell me if the structure and content is appropiate.

The principal objective of this proposal is to improve the student's website, particularly the section which is dedicated to the international students. I believe that it is confusing and it has a lack of information that could be useful for this kind of students.

Following a survey among international students, 76 % claimed that there wasn't any relevant information on the website for them. This students suggested to give the section a more personal touch. They would like to be more integrated with national students, make friends and know more about the local traditions and places.

I recommend to change the section for international students so that they will feel more interested and confortable. There could be a section where national students volunteer as guides for the newly arrived foreign students. This would make them feel more at easy and the relationship between the students would be reinforced. In addition, we could organize trips and parties to empower social life on the campus. Besides, there should be a group of people that can be contacted with in case of questions from our international students.

On balance, if these recommendations are implemented the situation is bound to improve. Students are going to have an exchange of different points of view because of their relationship with international/national students and this will make them more skillful and wise. International students will feel more at home if they can share their believes and if they can acquire knowledge from our national students.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The principal objective of this proposal is to improve the student's (one student owns the website?) website, particularly the section which is dedicated to ~~the~~ international students. I believe that it is confusing and ~~it has a~~ lacks of information that could be useful for this kind of students.

~~Following~~ On a survey among international students, 76 % claimed that there wasn't any relevant information on the website for them. This students suggested (that the section be given...) to give the section a more personal touch. They would like to be more integrated with national students, make friends and know more about the local traditions and places.

I recommend that ... to change the section for international students so that they will feel more interested and confortable. There could be a section where national students volunteer to be guides for the newly arrived foreign students. This would make them (ambiguous antecedent) feel more at easy and the relationship between the students would be reinforced. In addition, we (switch from passive to active. You have not said who "we" is.) could organize trips and parties to empower social life on the campus. Besides, there should be a group of people that can be contacted with in case of questions from our international students. (You have gone beyond the idea of web site changes. You can make bullet points or separate paragraphs of individual recommendations to make your ideas clearer to the reader. )

On balance, if these recommendations are implemented the situation is bound to improve. Students are going to have an exchange of different points of view because of their (missing word?) relationship with international/national students and this will make them more skillful and wise. International students will feel more at home if they can share their believes and if they can acquire knowledge from our national students.

Kanou · Answer

The principal objective of this proposal is to improve the students website, particularly the section which is dedicated to international students. I believe that it is confusing and lacks information that could be useful for these kind of students.

On a survey among international students, 76 % claimed that there wasn't any relevant information on the website for them. This students suggested that the section should be given a more personal touch. They would like to be more integrated with national students, make friends and know more about the local traditions and places.

I recommend that the section for the international students should be changed so that they will feel more interested and comfortable. There could be a section where national students volunteer to be guides for the newly arrived foreign students. This would make the last mentioned feel more at ease and the relationship between the students would be reinforced. In addition ,trips and parties could be organized to empower social life on the campus. Besides, there should be a group of people that can be contacted with in case of questions from our international students. (You have gone beyond the idea of web site changes. You can make bullet points or separate paragraphs of individual recommendations to make your ideas clearer to the reader. )

On balance, if these recommendations are implemented the situation is bound to improve. Students are going to have an exchange of different points of view because of their (missing word?) relationship with international/national students and this will make them more skillful and wise. International students will feel more at home if they can share their believes and if they can acquire knowledge from our national students.

AlpheccaStars student's (one student owns the website?)

I corrected it =)

AlpheccaStars(You have gone beyond the idea of web site changes. You can make bullet points or separate paragraphs of individual recommendations to make your ideas clearer to the reader. )

I know what you mean, I was thinking about how I could modify the section but I haven't explained myself well enough.

I will try to rewrite this part:

In addition ,trips and parties could be organized to empower social life on the campus. Besides, there should be a group of people that can be contacted with in case of questions from our international students. (You have gone beyond the idea of web site changes.

In addition, information about trips and parties could be uploaded to empower social life on the campus. Besides, some contacts could also be added to help our international students in case of questions.

AlpheccaStarsStudents are going to have an exchange of different points of view because of their (missing word?) relationship with international/national students and this will make them more skillful and wise

For me there is nothing missing

AlpheccaStars · Answer

KanouOn balance, if these recommendations are implemented the situation is bound to improve. Students are going to have an exchange of different points of view because of their (missing word?) stronger/better relationship with international/national students and this will make them more skillful and wise.

The sentence is not very logical. I suggest this:
Since the students will have a forum to exchange different points of view, the relationship between them will become stronger and this will make them more diplomatic, worldly and wise.

Kanou · Answer

AlpheccaStarsThe sentence is not very logical.

I agree I suppose that my sentence is a bit confusing.

Thank you!

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