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BW2/3 Posted 20 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing

proofreading

He was an old man, living with his two sons in a terrace house somewhere by the China sea. The old man had a big boat. Every day he took it for fishing. Along with him was a boy. They had fished for many days without catching any. The boy's parents stopped him to go with the old man. The old man was running out of his luck. Some young fisher men were laughing at him as the old man and young boy sat somewhere in the plain. The older fisher men were said nothing as they walked to the sea. The young boy said that he could not disobey his parents because he was still a boy. He could not go to fish with him any more.When the old man did not go fishing, he worked in his plantation. He was a farmer all his life. He grew spinach as well as fruit in his 28-acre land. His two sons were in charge the land. Unfortuantely, they did not get along. The younger son was lazy and spent his time chasing around farm girls in the neighborhood. Some farmers complained to the old man that his younger son was a scoundrel. Almost every girl was afraid of him except one. Her name was Slut. All farmers called her that. She used to work in a cat house when she was young. When she was getting old, she could not attract customers anymore. Therefore, she gave up her service and married a stupid, virgin old farmer. Within years, the old farmer took care of her. Although her husband had no manner, he had a lot of land and owned a fishing boat. He was a rich man so she lived comfortably.
  

Top answer

Hi I'm sorry I don't have time to go through all the parts of your story properly but as some general help: Check your verb tenses as this is a frequent problem for you. Work on your sentence length. It's good to vary the length of sentences in your writing as it adds interest.

  • Hi I'm sorry I don't have time to go through all the parts of your story properly but as some general help: Check your verb tenses as this is a frequent problem for you.
  • Work on your sentence length.
  • It's good to vary the length of sentences in your writing as it adds interest.
  • Most of your sentences are very short and this gives your story a very choppy, abrupt feel, and interupt the flow of the narrative.
  • Work on your 'joining' words to link connected ideas.
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1 Answers
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Hi

I'm sorry I don't have time to go through all the parts of your story properly but as some general help:

Check your verb tenses as this is a frequent problem for you.

Work on your sentence length. It's good to vary the length of sentences in your writing as it adds interest. Most of your sentences are very short and this gives your story a very choppy, abrupt feel, an

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