Proofread a short passage?

Hello, I'm reading a peer paper and have to give the writer some advice on a footnote of his article.

Could you please proofread my alternative footnote for me? Thank you in advance.

FYI (content not very important):

(10a) Ano hon yonda ka (*dooka)?

that book read SFP

'Did you read that book?'

? SFP = sentence-final particle

Original: (10a) lacks a postverbal polite form, and ka is attached directly with the verb. In this case, the expression sounds impolite; for example, (10a) is used in a situation where the speaker is teaching linguistics as a lecturer in his seminar. Because the impoliteness does not affect our discussion, no problem arises here as to the use of (10a) as an example; simply, it is important to focus attention on the morphological difference in sentence-final (clause-final) particles between matrix and embedded environments. I refer the reader to Ikarashi (2014), who discusses some issues surrounding ka in detail.

This is about the Japanese language, and in (10a) no honorific expression is used, the situation of which is different from his previous examples in which honorific expressions are used. The writer is talking about it here but the problem is that the example situation he gives in the footnote doesn't make sense at all as a possible situation, so I think I'll tell him that he should rewrite the footnote in a way like:

(10a) is an instance in which a postverbal item of politeness is not used and ka is directly attached to the verb. The reader is advised to pay attention to the difference in the possibility of occurrence between ka and ka dooka regardless of the absence of the item because it only influences the register of the sentence. Interested readers are referred to Ikarashi (2014) for an in-depth analysis of ka as a lexical item.

I don't want to give him any ungrammatical sentence, so I'd like you to check the grammar of my alternative footnote. Thank you!