Please post essays, paragraphs, dialogues and other writing in the essay forum so a moderator does not have to move your post. Click on this link: Next, tap on the green button "write a new post" Please do not put the essay instructions in the "Subject" line. Put it with your answer in the message body.
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You need to divide your text into paragraphs.
If this is for IELTS Task 2, you will lose points because you did not write the minimum number of words, 250.
There are many grammatical issues with your writing.
Please review your essay carefully and post a revision as a "comment" or "answer".