poetry

Question

I am trying to write a poem in English. Probably it is very silly from me once I can not even write it properly in my own idiom. But I wrote down a verse. Does it sound ok for you? Any tips you can give me? If you could just say if you like or not, would be enough for me.
Once again, thank you very much for all support I have been having from this website and everybody involved. ;-)

So I left the sand and the shore
And walked to a sea
Covered by the vital and precious black blood,
Which gushed through the wounds of a dying civilisation
And poisoned the extremes of Neptune's kingdom,
Murdering his bright and multi coloured cavalry of seahorses,
Which later on floated to somewhere unknown,
Pushed by a filthy wave of pollution, in a dark ocean
Which loyally still reflected the colour of the sky

Doctor D · Accepted Answer

Okay, not a traditional poem. So you don't have to worry about meter, line length, or rhyme. Therefore you must make the best use of what remains. In this case, narrative (the story you are telling), imagery (what pictures come to mind), word choice (pick the right word rather than multiplying words), and sound (what a reader would hear).

Let me walk though this poem, giving you my comments.

First, narrative. At the start of the poem, we have a speaker ("I"). Why do you say "so" (it sounds like something happened before the poem began). You cannot start with "so." Also, where is the speaker standing? In the water or on the sandy shore (you cannot "leave" the shore unless you are now in the water. Make the events clear (for example):

As I stood upon the sandy shore, I saw
The sea covered by the precious black blood (Don't say both "vital" and "precious")

(Notice that you are getting "s" sounds in the first sentence and "b" sounds in the second. Very poetic).

...the extremes of Neptune's kingdom (By "extremes" do you mean "borders" or "boundaries?"

"Murdering his bright and multi coloured cavalry of seahorses" seems too long for the little you have to say. I would pick either "bright" or "multi-colored" (I favor "bright"). If you want to elaborate, say something like "Murdering his bright cavalry, seahorses, dolphins, and gulls"

"Which later on floated to somewhere unknown," (Unclear: does "which" refer to the murdered cavalry? In which case, I would say "whose bodies." Or does it refer to the "blood" floating off? This is part of your story, the narrative, so be clear here.)

Pushed by a filthy wave of pollution, in a dark ocean -- (Say either "filthy" or "pollution"--don't say both.)

Following my advice will not necessarily make this a wonderful poem, but it should make it a better poem without changing what you are trying to say. Good luck.

Empassante · Answer

Thank you very much Doctor D. That is much more than I expected.  You are really great. It seems you write poetry as well. Do you?

Doctor D · Answer

Well, I used to write poetry all the time.  Now I write some now and then to fit into my other stories, rather than standing on their own.  You are welcome.

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