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Hello, everybody, I have a question: do you think these lines are OK as a poem? (They are not supposed to rhyme or have the same verse-length, but their iambic metre should be perceivable):

From time to time I like to leap in Whitman’s style:
How do I like this pilgrim without fear
With mighty song of courage in his spotless soul,
His hair of grey so proudly waving round his head,
His step so lithe was once.
It has been said, I’m also fond of Whitman’s run

Thank you very much in advance.

Philip · Accepted Answer

You need a question mark somewhere.

CalifJim · Answer

AnonymousWhitman’s run

His way of running? I didn't understand this expression.

AnonymousHis step so lithe was once.

This sounds too archaic. There's no reason to invert here. The syllable weights are the same in the normal order.

His step was once so lithe.

It's a complete sentence, by the way, so you need a period at the end of the preceding line.

Anonymouscourage in his spotless soul

It sounds rather too saintly to me. I prefer 'fearless soul', but then you'll have to change the preceding line. "most assured" or "much revered" instead of "without fear" comes to mind if you want the same rhythm, but I haven't thought very hard about it, and anyway, it's your poem, not mine.

______________

You could turn this into something that rhymes if you wanted to work on it some more. You already have the start of it with just a few changes.

...
His hair of grey so proudly waving round his head.
His step was once so lithe, it has been said.
I’m also fond ...

Consider a more regular syllable count, perhaps with a stricter alternation between 10 and 12 syllables, which you almost have already. You are keeping up the iambic rhythm well, so that part shouldn't be a problem for you.

CJ

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