Pls review my Ielts writing task 1 essay

Question

The bar charts below show the percentages of men and women in employment in three countries in 2005 and 2015.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The two bar charts give data about how many males and females engaged in employment in three countries: Canada, South Korea, and Sweden in 2005 and 2015.

Overall, there was an increase in the number of male and female workers in Canada and South Korea from 2005 to 2015, while there was a decrease in the number of their counterparts in Sweden. Employment rates in Sweden was the highest in 2005, but slipped to be the lowest in 2015, except for the category is male workers)

In 2005, the number of males in employments in Sweden started at around 79% then decreased to exactly 70%, whereas their female counterparts took up more employments (from 46% in 2005 to 50% in 2015). Opposite changes can be seen in the employment trend of workers in Canada. Males in employments rose from 63% to 39%, and females in employment climbed from 39% to 55%.

Approximately 75% and 30% South Korean male and female employees were working in 2005, followed by a slight increase to 79% and 39% in 2015, respectively.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The two bar charts give data (That is very vague. What is plotted?) about how many (How many would be numbers like 2,087,657. There are no absolute numbers on the charts.) males and females engaged in employment (Unnatural) in three countries: Canada, South Korea, and Sweden in 2005 and 2015. (The two years are too many words away from the two bar charts, so it is not very understandable.)

Here is the best way to write the description.

The two bar charts, dated 2005 and 2015, plot both male and female employment rates for three countries: Canada, Sweden and South Korea.

Overall, there was an increase in the ~~number~~ of male and female employment rates ~~workers~~ in Canada and South Korea from 2005 to 2015, while there was a decrease in ~~the number of their counterparts~~ in Sweden. Employment rates in Sweden was (wrong verb form) the highest in 2005, (You just repeated the information in the previous sentence. If the employment rate declined, it was higher in 2005 than in 2015 ) but slipped to be the lowest in 2015, except for [ the category is male workers .] ) (The words in the blue brackets form a main clause. You cannot put a main clause after a preposition. That is not grammatical English.)

Overall, there was an increase in the employment rates for all countries except for males in Sweden. In 2005, Sweden had the highest values of all the three countries. But ten years later, South Korea led in male employment and Canada had the highest female rate.

In 2005, the ~~number of~~ percentage of employed males in ~~employments~~ (wrong form. Employment is non-count) in Sweden started at around 79% then decreased to exactly 70%, whereas ~~their~~ the percentages for females ~~counterparts took up more employments~~ went up from 46% ~~in 2005~~ to 50% ~~in 2015~~). Opposite changes (That is not true. In both countries more females were employed in 2015 than in 2005.) can be seen in the employment ~~trend of workers~~ rates in Canada. The rate for Males ~~in employments~~ rose from 63% to 39%, (wrong value) and that of females ~~in employment~~ climbed from 39% to 55%.

Approximately 75% and 30% South Korean male and female employees were working (incorrect. 100% of employees are working. The definition of employee is someone who has a job and is working. People who are not working are unemployed, so they are not employees.) in 2005, followed by a slight increase to 79% and 39% in 2015, respectively.

Pls review my Ielts writing task 1 essay

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