Pls review my IELTS essay, Cam 10 T4 task 2

Question

Topic: Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?My essay:Museums take admission fees in some cases, yet others are free. In spite of the advantages of charging admission fees in museums, this essay argues that the detriments outweigh the merit.Getting people to pay for entry tickets to museums will most likely reduce the number of visitors to the museums. Currently, more people are drawn to technological gadgets, especially the youngsters. According to some recent researchers, 65% of the youth will consider museums as their last option for weekends. It's hardly surprising since the youth these days are so used to technology. In my opinion, entrance fees in museums are outdated  because people are not likely to go to an expensive, boring place.Furthermore, charging entrance fees can separate many people who want to appreciate or investigate ancient history from their desires, especially the poor who can't afford them. It's also a concern for low-budget schools whose students are eager to explore history. This was amply illustrated by a Times survey asking parents and students at fifty schools if they are willing to pay to let their children have more real learning experiences. The result stated that 41% would avoid paying for such high entry fees. Consequently, there will be fewer ways for people to engage with artistry and history.To conclude, imposing entry fees on museums are deter numerous people to visit them. Thus, it will hinder the love of art and ancient history for countless people in the long run.-------------thank you so much for reviewing it &lt;3

Teechr · Accepted Answer

Museums [ 1] are cultural institutions where people go to learn about history, science, nature and many other fields. Some museums ~~take admission fees in some cases, yet~~ have an entry fee, whereas others are free. In my opinion, the drawbacks of having an admission charge outweigh any benefits. ~~In spite of the advantages of charging admission fees in museums, this essay argues that the detriments outweigh the meri~~t.

[ 2] To start with, ~~Getting~~ making people to pay for entry ~~tickets~~ to museums [ 3] ~~will~~ most likely reduces the number of visitors to them. ~~museums. Currently, more~~ Nowadays, many people, especially the younger generations, are drawn to technological gadgets. [ 4] ~~, especially the youngsters.~~ [ 5] ~~According to some recent researchers, 65% of the youth will consider museums as their last option for weekends~~. [ 6] They spend much of their free time browsing the net or interacting with their friends on social networking sites. In fact, they can even use their phones, tablets or computers to obtain information and learn about history and other cultural aspects, which means it is not necessary for them to personally visit museums. ~~It's hardly surprising since the youth these days are so used to technology. In my opinion,~~ Therefore, entrance fees in museums are likely to be a deterrent for potential visitors. ~~outdated because people are not likely to go to an expensive, boring place.~~

Furthermore, charging ~~entrance fees~~ [ 7] for entry to museums can ~~separate~~ exclude many people who want to appreciate or investigate ancient history, ~~from their desires,~~ especially the poor who ~~can't~~ [ 8] may not be able to afford the ticket price. ~~them. It's~~ [ 8] It is also a concern for ~~low-budget~~ schools with limited budgets whose students are eager to explore history. [ 5] This was amply illustrated by a Times survey asking parents and students at fifty schools if they are willing to pay to let their children have more real learning experiences. The result stated that 41% would avoid paying for such high entry fees. In fact, in many countries, especially those with a rich history or culture and which attract large numbers of foreign tourists, entry to famous museums can be quite expensive. Therefore, many people object to having to pay such fees to go into a museum. Consequently, there will be fewer ways for people to engage with ~~artistry~~ the art, culture and history on offer in such museums.

To conclude, imposing entry fees on museums [ 9] ~~are~~ can deter ~~numerous~~ people to from visiting them. Thus, it will hinder the ~~love~~ appreciation of art and ancient history for countless people in the long run.

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[ 1]: You wrote 243 words only. That is under the minimum required – 250 words. In the introduction, talk a little in general about the broad topic.

[ 2]: Use linking words/phrases to make your writing flow better. This is called cohesion.

[ 3]: “will” is used for the future, not for something happening all the time.

[ 4]: Your original phrasing could imply that “youngsters” are a special case of “technological gadgets”. Note where I moved that part to.

[ 5]: Do not make up fake examples.

[ 6]: Develop the idea and link it back to the point you are trying to make.

[ 7]: Avoid repeating the same phrase.

[ 8]: Do not use contractions in formal writing.

[ 9]: Silly mistakes cost you valuable marks in an exam. ALWAYS go over your work before submitting it.

Pls review my IELTS essay, Cam 10 T4 task 2

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