PLS! Help me by checking my writing task 1_ Mixed (REWRITE)

Question

The table below shows the numbers of visitors to Ashdown Museum during the year before and the year after it was refurbished. The charts show the result of surveys asking visitors who satisfied they were with their visit, during the same two periods.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparison where relevant.

My essay:

The table shows the total number of visitors who went to visit Ashdown Museum during the year before and after refurbishment. The pie charts compare satisfaction levels of tourists when they visited Ashdown Museum.

Overall, the number of visitors to Ashdown Museum have an increasing. In pie charts, the number of visitors who were extremely satisfied and satisfied increase quickly, while other who were dissatisfied or very dissatisfied went down.

During the year before refurbishment, 74000 people paid visit to Ashdown Museum . After refurbishment, the number of visitors to Ashdown Museum went up enormously, at 92000 people. It increased by 18000 people.

Tourists who were highly satisfied took up 15% when they went to Ashdown Museum before refurbishment. This proportion increased at 35% during the year after refurbishment. The proportion of visitors who answered that they are satisfied increased from 30 % to 40%. In contrast, during the year after refurbishment, the proportion of tourists who were dissatisfied and extremely dissatisfied went down. It decreased to 15% and 5% respectively. It went down significantly. Visitors who had no response remained stable at 5%.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Your writing still implies a line graph, not discrete measurement points in time.

Here is a model essay:

The table and two pie charts together show the effect of a refurbishment project at the Ashdown Museum on both the numbers of visitors and their satisfaction levels. In particular, the table shows the numbers of attendees in the year before and the year after the project. The two pie charts show the results of satisfaction surveys in those same time periods. The satisfaction levels shown on the charts are: very satisfied, satisfied, dissatisfied and very dissatisfied. The charts show the percentages of each as taken from the surveys.

Overall, the visitor numbers increased 25% from before (74000) to after (92000) the project. In addition, the visitors who came after the renovation were much more satisfied with their museum experience. Ninety-five percent responded to the survey in each year.

In detail, after the refurbishment, 75% of the visitors were satisfied or very satisfied compared to less than half (45%) before. The percent who said they were very dissatisfied dropped by half, from 10% to 5%. An overall grade for the museum can be computed from each survey by assigning numbers to the levels, 4 to the percent most satisfied and 1 to those most dissatisfied. Before the project, the weighted satisfaction was 2.5 (a neutral score). It increased to 3.1 (satisfied) after the project.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The table shows the total number of visitors who went to visit Ashdown Museum during the year before and after refurbishment. The pie charts compare satisfaction levels of tourists when they visited Ashdown Museum.

Overall, the number of visitors to Ashdown Museum have an increasing. (It is wrong to use the present participle. That is onl

Overall, the number of visitors to Ashdown Museum have an increasing. (It is wrong to use the present participle. That is only for line graphs.) In the pie charts, the number of visitors who were extremely satisfied and satisfied increase quickly, (It is wrong to use adverbs of continuity like "quickly". That is only for line graphs.) while other who were dissatisfied or very dissatisfied went down.

During the year before refurbishment, 74000 people paid visit (wrong expression. You need to change this.) to Ashdown Museum . After refurbishment, the number of visitors to Ashdown Museum went up enormously, (Hyperbole. DO not use emotional words in a math/science context. Use neutral, mathematical vocabulary words.) at 92000 people. It increased by 18000 people.

Tourists who were highly satisfied took up (wrong expression. You need to change this.) 15% when they went to Ashdown Museum before refurbishment. This proportion increased at 35% during the year after refurbishment. The proportion of visitors who answered that they are satisfied increased from 30 % (spacing error) to 40%. In contrast, during the year after refurbishment, the proportion of tourists who were dissatisfied and extremely dissatisfied went down. It decreased to 15% and 5% respectively. It went down significantly. Visitors who had no response remained stable (wrong word. This is more appropriate, but still not a very good word choice, for a line graph. . You need to change this.) at 5%.

PLS! Help me by checking my writing task 1_ Mixed (REWRITE)

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