Pls evaluate my IELTS academic writing task 1

heres my answer:

The two maps represent Islip town centre in its current form and its proposed renovation.

Overall, it is evident that the plan is to expand the city centre into the nearby landscape to allow for more housing. Additionally, there has been a greater focus on the transport of visitors at the expense of the shops.

Currently, there is an array of individual shops on either side of the main road. Apart from this, the northernly region consists of the countryside that backs on to the shops. To the south of the centre, there is a school as well as huge spaces for accommodation. Lastly, towards the east we have a park that is connected to the main road.

According to the proposal, the most prominent development would be the destruction of first row of shops to make room for a large shopping mall along with its designated car park, bus station and a pedestrian walkway. Moreover, this extended space allows for new housing to be constructed at the town centre, as well as adjacent to the park where will overtake some land previously occupied by the park. The main road has been modified into a dual carriageway to facilitate driving into the outskirt houses. Furthermore, this redevelopment also concentrates on an expansion of the school.