Pls chech and comment on the 100-word essay

Question

With the college entrance examination around the corner, more and more parents are trying to encourage their children to study hard and go to a key university by promising them money, travelling or whatever. Contrary to the popularly held belief, I think its disadvantages far outweigh its advantages.No doubt, such promises will probably get your children immediately motivated. However, due to the lack of inner motivation, children will soon lose passion for studies and may easily get frustrated when faced with acedemic difficulities. Worse still, this method may lead your children to think that they study merely for the purpose of getting rewards, which is, of course, bad for their future development.Personally, it is a good idea to arouse your children's interest in their studies and help them to develop good study habits, which will certainly have a far reaching effect.

Mister Micawber · Accepted Answer

Your essay would probably pass unscathed through many graders' hands, but I have underlined some problem areas:

With the college entrance examination around the corner, more and more parents are trying to encourage their children to study hard and go to a key university by promising them money, travelling or whatever. Contrary to the popularly held belief, I think its disadvantages far outweigh its advantages.

No doubt, such promises will probably get your children immediately motivated. However, due to the lack of inner motivation, children will soon lose passion for studies and may easily get frustrated when faced with acedemic difficulities. Worse still, this method may lead your children to think that they study merely for the purpose of getting rewards, which is, of course, (too many commas; recast) bad for their future development.

Personally, it is a good idea to arouse your children's interest in their studies and help them to develop good study habits, which will certainly have a far reaching effect.

Wangqh2696122 · Answer

Thank you for your comment! Now, what about my revised version?

With the college entrance examination around the corner, more and more parents are trying to encourage their children to study hard and go to a famous university by promising them money, travels or whatever. Contrary to the popularly held belief, I think the disadvantages far outweigh the advantages.

No doubt, such promises will probably get your children immediately motivated. However, due to the lack of inner motivation, children will soon lose passion for studies and may easily get frustrated when faced with acedemic (delete)difficulities. Worse still, this method may lead your children to think that they study merely for the purpose of getting rewards, which is of course (too many commas; recast) bad for their future development(delete).

Personally, it is a good idea to arouse your children's interest in their studies and help them to develop good study habits, which will certainly have a long term effect.

By the way, I don't think "or whatever" is wrongly used. Please see the definition and example of the phrase in The Macmillan English Dictionary :

or whatever SPOKEN
or anything else of the same kind:
I used to meet customers in bars and restaurants or whatever, and we'd do our business there.

Mister Micawber · Answer

There is a lot more that can be done to be clear and direct:

With the college entrance examinations around the corner, more and more parents are encouraging their children to study hard and go to a prestigious university by promising them money, travel, or other incentives. Contrary to popular belief, I think the disadvantages far outweigh the advantages.

No doubt, such promises will motivate them in the short term. However, without inner motivation, they will soon lose passion for studies and may easily become frustrated with academic difficulties. Worse still, this method may lead your children to think that they study merely to obtain such rewards, which is of course bad for their development.

It is a better idea to arouse your children's interest in their studies and help them develop good study habits, which will certainly have a long term effect.

By the way, I don't think "or whatever" is wrongly used.-- No, but it is too vague. Notice what I have done above.

Wangqh2696122 · Answer

It's terrific! But as a non-native speaker, I can't see why the expression "popular belief" is better than "popularly held belief", nor do I understand why we can't use "Personally" when I give my own opinion.

Mister Micawber · Answer

I can't see why the expression "popular belief" is better than "popularly held belief" -- 'Contrary to popular belief' is the set phrase, and it is also more concise.

nor do I understand why we can't use "Personally" when I give my own opinion.-- One of the skills of essay writing is understanding that the writing itself is the author's opinion, so that overt reference to opinion is therefore redundant. In addition, the terse 'personally' does not work as an adverb there; its grammatical reference is too vague. It would have to read something like 'It is my personal opinion that...'

Wangqh2696122 · Answer

Thank you for your detailed explanation!

Pls chech and comment on the 100-word essay

Personally, it is a good idea to arouse your children's interest in their studies and help them to develop good study habits, which will certainly have a far reaching effect.

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It's terrific! But as a non-native speaker, I can't see why the expression "popular belief" is better than "popularly held belief", nor do I understand why we can't use "Personally" when I give my own opinion.

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