Please, tell me whether my omission was grammatical and acceptable in this bar chart description?

Question

ANOTHER QUESTION: will I be penalized if I say “tourism’s share” instead of “the tourist industry’s share”? 20 minutes was not enough for me, so I omitted some words that I suspected were unnecessary.

The bar chart illustrates five industries' percentage contribution to Brazil's economy in 2009 and 2019 with projections to 2029.

Overall, finance had and will have the greatest share of the economy. Although the figures for finance, food processing, and oil, gas, and coal rose between 2009 and 2019, only the figure for finance is expected to go up in the future.

Regarding finance, oil, coal, and gas, and food processing, in 2009, finance's share of Brazil's economy was just over 30%, which was higher than oil, coal, and gas' (above 25%) and much greater than food processing's (approximately 10%).All these figures had increased by 2019, with finance's, oil and gas' and food processing's shares climbing considerably to over 35%, 30%, and 20% respectively. However, while finance's is expected to rise to a peak of above 40% in 2029, food processing's and oil and gas's are projected to fall back to their 2009 figures.

Tourism's share and manufacturing's, by contrast, declined from roughly 26% in 2009 to around 22% in 2019 and from about 22% to just above 15% respectively. Manufacturing's will reduce markedly to a low of 5%, but tourism's will remain constant.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays.

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

AlpheccaStars · Answer

onose3420 minutes was not enough for me,

When you are learning to write Task 1 essays, at first do not pay any attention to the time.

Focus on the outline (structure) of the essay and vocabulary for science/maths writing.

Pay attention to the word count. Be sure you have more than 150 words, and less than 200 words.

Write a lot of practice essays for the different types of infographics.
Learn how to recognize the "main features" in each type of graph, diagram or chart.

After you have mastered the typical vocabulary words, and know what to look for, and learn how to compare values, your writing time will go down.

When you are comfortable with Task 1 essays, then time your writing.
By the way, there is no separate 20-minute limit for Task 1.

Here is a Task 1 study plan:

1. Find a reputable source for the tasks. (Read my advice) There are many sites which post defective essay tasks. These will only stymie you and adversely affect your learning process.

2. Pick 50-100 Task 1 practice essays. Make sure that these cover a wide variety of infographics.

3. For these essays, write only the first paragraph. Read my advice on vocabulary and format of the first paragraph. After writing a lot of introductory paragraphs, You should be able to quickly look at any infographic, pick out its characteristics and write 30-50 words that describe it (but not the information content.)

4. Pick some practice tasks that you will use to write a complete essay. Include line graphs, bar charts, process charts, pie charts, tables, diagrams, and mixed graphics. Use these to practice picking out the main features in the information content. Learn to do simple math calculations for comparisons.

I have written many sample essays on English Forums.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Do not use "figure". Do not use "illustrate." Do not use "peak". If you read my advice, I explain these misused words.

Do not use possessives.

If you would like a sample essay you may ask for one. But this task is extremely horribly defective. If I write an essay, I will have to fix the defects before I begin. Where did you get it from?

The bar chart illustrates (DO NOT USE ILLUSTRATE FOR CHARTS AND GRAPHS!!!!) five industries' percentage contribution to Brazil's economy in 2009 and 2019 with projections to 2029.

Overall, finance (Bad coherence and cohesion. Do not surprise the reader.) had and will have the greatest share of the economy. Although the figures (wrong word) for finance, food processing, and oil, gas, and coal rose between 2009 and 2019, only the figure (wrong word) for finance is expected to go up in the future.

Regarding finance, oil, coal, and gas, (Are those three different sectors? You put them separately in the list. ) and food processing, in 2009, finance's (Use of the possessive is very unnatural and awkward) share of Brazil's economy was just over 30%, which was higher than oil, coal, and gas' (above 25%) and much greater than food processing's (approximately 10%).All these figures (wrong word) had increased by 2019, with finance's, oil and gas' (What happened to coal?) and food processing's shares climbing considerably to over 35%, 30%, and 20% respectively. However, while finance's is expected to rise to a peak (wrong word) of above 40% in 2029, food processing's and oil and gas's are projected to fall back to their 2009 figures.

Tourism's share and manufacturing's, by contrast, declined from roughly 26% in 2009 to around 22% in 2019 and from about 22% to just above 15% respectively. Manufacturing's will reduce markedly to a low of 5%, but tourism's will remain constant.

Please, tell me whether my omission was grammatical and acceptable in this bar chart description?

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