Please revise me cover letter

Question

I would like to write my cover letter to apply some jobs,
Please kindly revise this cover letter,thank you so much for your comment,recoomendation.

444 abc Rd.,
ccccc.bbbbbb

25 April,2009

Dear sir,

Your advertisement on the website www.___.com for the Marketing Analyst has attracted my attention, and I think my qualifications will be able to fulfill your requirments.

I graduated from xxxx University in the Faculty of Economics, majoring in Business Economics in June 19xx after that I set up my own business. It was about chiness food then, I served as a sales executive in xxxx ccc sales Co.,Ltd. where I have acquired trainings about managing customer relationship and retaining customers after that I joined with Institute for Entreprenneurial Development as a consultant service officer, here my responsibility are to analyze client's requirements and provide effective information and services that meet all the solution. I then joined with xxx Securities Co.,Ltd., as marketing trainee ,here I have received training about brokerage business and my duties are to monitor on the thai stock market and provide advisory services to clients, For my last job I worked as customer service representative at xxx Finance Ltd. where I have gained financial analytical skills. I am now seeking a position that allow me to apply my knowledge and experience.

In addition, I have strong interest in marketing field especially Brand Building, CRM and also I am able to conduct marketing plan and also I have understading of above the line and below the line marketing , I believe that the combination of my experience ,analytical and interpersonal skills along with my commercial sense would make me an excellent candidate for this position.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours faithfully,

Dee Ruyee

Clive · Accepted Answer

Hi Dee,

In N. America, the custom is to write a resume. Then you send your resume along with a 'cover ' letter. The letter 'covers' the resume in the sense that it says 'Attached is my resume'. The letter also mentions a few highlights of your experience and skills.

Where you live, do people write a resume? Or do they just put all their details into a letter, as you seem to have done here?

Best wishes, Clive

Anonymous · Answer

Hi Clive,

I come from Thailand,Here,the resume is attached along with cover letter.

I think, the cover letter could provide information more resume such as my passion,opinion

etc. that I do not mention in my resume.

Could u plese revise and advise me about my cover letter.

Thank you so much for time and recommendation

Kind regards,

dee

Clive · Answer

Hi,

Here is some advice about your cover letter.

Your second paragraph seems to repeat too many of the details that should just be in your resume.

Remove most of this, and just focus on your skills that you think are important for the job you are applying for. Everything I read should make me think 'Hmmmm, this person can help me with my problems'.

At the end say that your resume is enclosed. And say that you would be grateful for an interview.

I suggest you revise your letter, and then post it agian for more comments.

Best wshes, Clive

Anonymous · Answer

thank you so mush Clive

Debangkok · Answer

I would like to apply the job in credit analyst ,could you please help me about this

Dee s.K

111/8 RLS Road

BKK

11 May, 2009

HR Department

RCB Bank

11/2 Tlk Road

BKK

Dear Sir,

I am writing this letter to apply for Credit Analyst position in response to your advertisement in Jobsdb.com. I am excited about this position and I believe that my skills and experience are well suited to this position.

I graduated from ABC University and hold a bachelors degree from the faculty of Economics, which major in Business Economics. I then challenged myself with my own business. It was about Chiness food which enhancing my entrepreneurship.

With my experience from Citi Group has provided me about credit analysis,risk management and collection skills.

An opportunity to discuss my abilities and skills would be more welcome. Appreciating your consideration, looking for your meeting.

Your faithfully,

Dee

Enclosure Resume

debangkok

Joined on 04-10-2009
New Member 05

Clive · Answer

Hi,

OK, here are some edits and suggestions.

Clive

I would like to apply the job in credit analyst ,could you please help me about this

I assume the following is your own address. Put it, and the date, in the top right corner. Don't include your name. It will be at the end of the letter.

Dee s.K

111/8 RLS Road

BKK

11 May, 2009

HR Department

RCB Bank

11/2 Tlk Road

BKK

Dear Sir, Try to find the name, eg Dear Mr. Smith,

I am writing this letter to apply for the Credit Analyst position in response to your advertisement in Jobsdb.com. I am excited about this position and I believe that my skills and experience are well suited to it.

I graduated from ABC University and hold a bachelors degree from the faculty of Economics, with a major in Business Economics. I then challenged myself with my own Chinese Food business. This gave me a great opporrtunity to enhance my entrepreneurship.

Perhaps you should focus more on saying how knowledge of Business Economics and entrepreneurial skills will help you be a good Credit Analyst?

My experience with Citi Group has provided me with considerable skills in the areas of credit analysis, risk management and collection.

An opportunity to discuss my abilities and skills, and how I can help your company, would be most welcome. I appreciate your consideration and look forward to meeting you.

Yours sincerely,

Dee Smith

Enclosure: Resume

Anonymous · Answer

Hi Clive,

This is a valuable help of you.Thank you so much for your kind

Dee

Debangkok · Answer

Hi Clive,

I would like to brother you again about my cover letter

I am writing to apply a job for maketing positiom

please see and revise me about this.

11/2 L.P Road

BKK

11 May , 2009

HR Department

Uniriver Co.Ltd.

123 ADV Riad

BKK

Dear Mr.Lee,

I am writing this letter to apply for the Marketing Execution position in response to your advertisement in Jobsdb.com. I am excited about this position and I believe that my skills and experience are well suited to it.

I graduated from ABC University and hold a bachelors degree from the faculty of Economics, with a major in Business Economics. I then challenged myself with my own Chinese Food business. This gave me a great opporrtunity to enhance my entrepreneurship.

Alhought, I had not graduated in marketing directly but marketing is my intererst especially in Brand Building and CRM .I have had my knowledge of marketing from reading as well as having ability to perform marketing plan and also keep track of economic sitsuation along with my creative thinking ,business mind and interest would contribute to this job.

(How can I mention about my interest ,knowledge that I did not graduated from.)

An opportunity to discuss my abilities and skills, and how I can help your company, would be most welcome. I appreciate your consideration and look forward to meeting you.

Yours sincerely,

Dee Smith

Clive · Answer

Hi,

Dear Mr.Lee,

I am writing this letter to apply for the Marketing Execution position in response to your advertisement in Jobsdb.com. I am excited about this position and I believe that my skills and experience are well suited to it.

I graduated from ABC University and hold a bachelors degree from the faculty of Economics, with a major in Business Economics. I then challenged myself with my own Chinese Food business. This gave me a great opporrtunity to enhance my entrepreneurship.

Can you mention how you learned to market your own business? Can you give any actual examples of what you did?

~~Alhought, I had not graduated in marketing directly but~~ marketing is my intererst especially in Brand Building and CRM .I have learned ~~had my knowledge of~~ marketing from reading. I am able to create a marketing plan and also to change it by keeping track of the economic sitsuationI believe that my creative thinking ,business mind and interest would contribute to this job.

(How can I mention about my interest ,knowledge that I did not graduated from.) Don't say you don't have a degreei n this. Your CV will show that. Just say positive things

An opportunity to discuss my abilities and skills, and how I can help your company, would be most welcome. I appreciate your consideration and look forward to meeting you.

Yours sincerely,

Dee Smith

Clive

Debangkok · Answer

Many thank to you clive

Please revise me cover letter

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