Please review this writing for me. Thank you =)

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Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result.Why do many working people not get enough exercise?What can be done about this problem?At the workplaces, doing some exercises during the working hours or in the free time is very necessary for a healthy body. Although having some exercises is good, various workers still obtain little or even no exercise. Now, I will answer the questions for reasons why many working individuals not get sufficient exercise as well as results of this problem.There are lots of workers do not get exercise because they are lethargic and despise their health. According to an article that I read on the Internet, 60% of people who sitting for working over 8 hours and have no exercises are likely to die rather than the rest. Wherefore, health professionals have warned officers and employees that spend most times to sit for tasks should spend at least 30 minutes in order to do some exercises if they do not want to die early! Why doing some exercises at the workplace is so integral? Because it prevents us from heart diseases as well as diabetes hazard. Besides that, it also boosts bones and muscles, reduces stress, worries due to works either. Finally, it promotes brain and memorial function, reduces back pain as well as increases the life expectancy.As a result, what will happen if a worker does not get adequate exercise? If working people do not follow the advice, some problems are liable damage them. Firstly, it hurts their heart and the danger of other risky diseases such as cancer, diabetes, arthralgia, rheumatism,... will be higher. Secondly, they are going to be more anxious, stress and their life expectancy is going to fall as well as the rate of hypertension is going to be higher.To sum up, getting some exercises during the working day, or in the free time is never unnecessary, working people should follow the advice of doctors and health professionals so that they can have a healthy life in spite of stressful environment at the workplace is always around them.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

At ~~the~~ workplaces, doing some exercises during ~~the~~ working hours or in ~~the~~ free time is very necessary for a healthy body. Although having some exercises is good, ~~various~~ some workers still obtain little or even no exercise. ~~Now, I will answer the questions for reasons why many working individuals not get sufficient exercise as well as results of this problem~~.

Delete that sentence. It is not a thesis statement. Do not announce to the reader what you will write about. A thesis statement is the main point of your essay. It answers the essay questions.

Here is an example thesis statement for this essay topic:

Reasons for workers' lack of exercise vary from the employers' policies to the workers themselves, but it is a problem that is relatively easy to fix.

Every paragraph must have one main point. Your paragraph is very poorly organized. There is no main point. The first body paragraph has causes, solutions, consequences all mixed up together.

Here is a suggested organization:

Paragraph 1: The situation and reasons for lack of exercise.

Paragraph 2: The consequences of the lack of exercise.

Paragraph 3: The solutions for this problem.

Paragraph 4: Conclusion.

Here is a video on how to write a paragraph.

~~There are~~ lots of workers do not get exercise because they are lethargic and despise their health. According to an article that I read on the Internet, 60% of people who sitting for working (ungrammatical) over 8 hours and have no exercises are likely to die (That is not relevant to this paragraph.) rather than the rest. Wherefore, (wrong transition word) health professionals have warned ~~officers and~~ employees that spend most times to sit for tasks should spend (ungrammatical sentence. You use the word "spend" twice.") at least 30 minutes in order to do some exercises if they do not want to die early! Why is doing some exercises at the workplace is so critical? ~~integral~~? Because it prevents us from getting heart diseases or ~~as well as~~ diabetes ~~hazard~~. Besides that, it also strengthens ~~boosts~~ bones and muscles, reduces stress, worries due to works either. Finally, it promotes brain and memorial (wrong word) function, reduces back pain as well as increases ~~the~~ life expectancy.

As a result, what will happen if a worker does not get adequate exercise? (You already made this point: they die early and they get heart disease and diabetes. Do not repeat the same point in different paragraphs. You have not spent some time to organize your essay. That is why it is so chaotic.) If working people do not follow the advice, some problems are liable damage them. ~~Firstly~~, First, it hurts their heart and the danger of other risky diseases such as cancer, diabetes, arthralgia, rheumatism,... (Do not use ellipses, "etc." or phrases such as "and so on" in formal essays. ) will be higher. ~~Secondly~~, Second, they are going to be more anxious, stress and their life expectancy is going to fall as well as the rate of hypertension is going to be higher.

To sum up, getting some exercises during the working day, or in the free time is never unnecessary,(Do not use double negatives. "always necessary" NOT "Never unnecessary") working people should follow the advice of doctors and health professionals so that they can have a healthy life in spite of the stressful environment (You did not mention this in the body paragraphs. Do not add new information in the conclusion.) at the workplace is always around them.

Please review this writing for me. Thank you =)

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