Please review this IELTS Writing Task 1 Essay. Thank you!

Question

Hello teachers, this is my latest essay for Writing Task 1. It may contain
many errors, I hope that you can point them out so I can complete this essay. Thank you so much.

TASK

The line graph compares the numbers of people shifting to the capital of a certain nation from 2000 to 2015 for four reasons.

Overall, in 2000, “employment” accounted for the most cases of moving to the capital, with “study” coming in second, while the purpose of living with family/friends and seeking for adventures respectively shared the last two places. Over the period, the number of people coming to the capital for education had risen significantly with a jump of almost 63000 to reach the top position along with the number for “employment” reason in 2015. Despite the increases in quantity, “family and friends” and “adventure” remained the least favorite reasons.

In detail, there were about 60000 people relocating in the capital in attempt of finding an occupation in 2000. This number rose to 85 thousand in 2005, and its peak year was 2010 with about 92000 people. The number of people shifting to the capital to pursue education shared the same uptrend, which was 25000, 48000 and 53000 respectively. However, while number for “employment” reason began declining after 2010, the number for “study” continued to rise. In 2015, the number of new inhabitants of the capital for those two reasons were both 88 thousand. Over the period, the number of people leaving for the capital for adventures was flat, which rose from about 11000 in 2000 to nearly 15000 in 2015. Meanwhile, the number for “family and friends” reason climbed gently in the first five years (12,000 to 14,000), followed by an upswing to 22,000, before eventually levelling off at around 23,000 in 2015.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

What are the task instructions? You posted the image, but we need the description also.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

You wrote over 260 words, while the minimum is 150.

You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high scores. There are many reasons.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for these errors.

Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. In Task 1, you are likely writing about everything, rather than following the instructions and picking out only the significant points. This will cost you points.

Third, you will take a lot of the limited time writing, and not have time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, and that lowers your score.

Fourth, you will not have enough time to devote to Task 2, and get a lower score there. Task 2 counts twice as much for your overall score.
Aim to write 170-190 words for Task 1.
You can use this word counter: https://www.ieltsscore.com/word-counter/

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The line graph compares the numbers of people shifting (wrong word) to the capital of a certain nation from 2000 to 2015 for four reasons.

(Not good. It implies there is one curve of the total who moved for these four reasons. What are these reasons?)

Here is a better opening paragraph. The essay will have much higher cohesion and coherence, since you have introduced all the categories up front. Also, you need more natural names for these categories so you can use them in the body paragraphs.

The line graph reports the results of surveys held every five years from 2000 through 2015 asking people for the reason that they moved to the capital city. Specifically, the graph plots the numbers of people who moved for their job, for adventure, because of family or friends, and to go to school.

The highlighted text is unnatural, awkward, or wrong expressions.

Overall, in 2000, “employment” accounted for the most cases of moving to the capital, with “study” coming in second, while the purpose of living with family/friends and seeking for adventures respectively shared the last two places. Over the period, the number of people coming to the capital for education had risen significantly with a jump of almost 63000 (That is a detail, not a main feature. Put 2 or 3 main features in the "overall" paragraph.) to reach the top position along with the number for “employment” reason in 2015. Despite the increases in quantity, “family and friends” and “adventure” remained the least mentioned / given / cited ~~favorite~~ reasons. (Those verbs are for surveys. People do not give "favorite" reasons on a survey.)

In detail, there were about 60000 people relocating in the capital in attempt of finding an occupation (You are making an assumption here. Do not write deductions or inferences in Task 1) in 2000. This number rose to 85 thousand in 2005, and its peak year was 2010 with about 92000 people. The number of people shifting to the capital to pursue education shared the same uptrend, which was 25000, 48000 and 53000 respectively. However, while number for “employment” reason began declining after 2010, the number for “study” continued to rise. In 2015, the number of new inhabitants of the capital for those two reasons were both 88 thousand. Over the period, the number of people leaving for the capital for adventures was flat, which rose from about 11000 in 2000 to nearly 15000 in 2015. Meanwhile, the number for “family and friends” reason climbed gently in the first five years (12,000 to 14,000), followed by an upswing to 22,000, before eventually levelling off at around 23,000 in 2015.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Sample essay: (~180 words)

You will get highest scores for performing some elementary arithmetic and doing comparisons. In this essay, I compute the percentages for comparison. Add up the totals for the start and end of the period.

The line graph reports the results of surveys held every five years from 2000 through 2015 asking people for the reason that they moved to the capital city. Specifically, the graph plots the numbers of people who moved for their job, for adventure, because of family or friends, and to go to school.

Overall, the number of people moving to the capital increased substantially, with most coming for reasons of employment. The reason that had the greatest increase in numbers was related to school.

In detail, 105 thousand people responded to the survey in 2000 compared to double that, 213 thousand, in 2015. In 2000, the majority, nearly 60% (60 thousand), came for a job, but that decreased to 41% (88 thousand) in 2015. About one in four, 25,000, came in 2000 for school, but the percentage rose substantially to be equal to those who came for employment in 2015. Meanwhile, those who moved for family or friends went up from 10 to 22 thousand, and the ones who came for adventure changed very little, from 11 to 13 thousand.

Please review this IELTS Writing Task 1 Essay. Thank you!

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