Please review My Writing Task 2. Thank you very much

Question

Please review my writing.Topic: In some countries, if people need to find work, they have to move away from their families and their friends. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?My essay:Some believe that people get have to leave their homes, and relatives to find jobs. Although working far from home can share the financial burden with family, there are many challenges for those who will struggle with many risks when no relatives are close to them. From my perspective, working far from home may give them more chances to work despite the external obstacles that they can face inevitably.Admittedly, the greatest benefit of living away from family is that people will have more chance of getting a high salary that will help their family at home as people send money home. Being away from home, especially a job abroad with remittances sending to families will improve quality of life because of the exchange rate that the money sent from countries that have higher exchange rates to lower ones. Take labor exports to Japan and Korea as an example, there are many cases of labor exports to Japan and Korea helping their parents at home nation reconstruct their homes and can be affordable for many facilities through remittances which can become the capital for a small starting-up company. For this reason, people tend to choose the lifestyle of living far away from home to get this advantage.The apparent drawback can be seen is that people will face many obstacles and the most salient ones are prejudice against outer and cultural differences. Although people are more proactive about time management and have more chances to do what they want, some will find it hard to get on well with the culture and some will get into culture shock when people go out of their comfort zone which may lead to depressed state and some psychological states. For instance, migrants who move to Canada have to prepare to fight against winter which can cause seasonal depression, and the symptoms including oversleeping, having difficulty concentrating, and feeling hopeless may affect negatively the productivity.In conclusion, people intending to live away from their families and relatives to find jobs will face both positives and negatives. Comparing the positive side that they can have high income which allows them affordable to their demands and raise the families’ quality of life to the inevitable drawbacks, I would say that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You wrote 375 words. The minimum is 250. You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high band scores. And there are many reasons for this.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.

Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task response or coherence and cohesion.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. Do not write about things that are not specifically given in the task. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even lose your direction and contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples and personal experiences. It is much better to have two well-developed and fleshed-out argument points than to have four which are just individual separate statements.

Fourth, you will spend a lot of time writing, and not have sufficient time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, which everyone makes, and that lowers your score.

Fifth, pity the examiners who have to read all the IELTS essays individually. There are hundreds of them. If they read your long essay when they are tired at the end of the day, they will score extra hard and not be very generous when scoring.

Sixth, you will not have enough time for Task 1, and get a lower score there. You should allow 40 minutes for task and 20 minutes for Task 1. The word counts are designed so that you have ample time for brainstorming and then writing the two parts.

Aim to write 270-300 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.
You can use this word counter:

https://www.ieltsscore.com/word-counter/

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Some believe that people get have (wrong verb phrase) to leave their homes, (wrong comma) and relatives to find jobs. Although working far from home can share the financial burden (wrong phrase - Working does not share anything. People share things. ) with family, there are many challenges for those who will struggle ~~with many risks~~ (wrong phrase - struggle with risk is not a good collocation.) when no relatives are close to them. From my perspective, working far from home may give them more chances to work (Working gives more chances to work? That makes no sense at all) despite the difficulties they may face. ~~the external obstacles that they can face inevitably~~. (That is quite unnatural English. You need to be much more careful in your writing. Write clearly and logically. Do not try to use "sophisticated" words and phrases. It is very bad for your score.)

Admittedly, the greatest benefit of living away from family is that people will have a better ~~more~~ chance of getting a high salary that will help their family at home as people send money home. Being away from home, especially a job abroad and sending ~~with~~ remittances ~~sending~~ to the families will improve quality of life (Whose quality of life - the worker or the family?) because of the exchange rate that the money sent from countries that have higher exchange rates to lower ones. That does not make sense at all. The exchange rate is the conversion of one country's currency to another country's currency. It has nothing to do with the quality of life. For example, if a worker in Germany sends 100 Euros to their family, a family in the US will get 107 dollars, or a family in the UK will get 88 pounds, or a family in Japan will get 14,319 Yen, or a family in Korea will get 137,496 Won. ) Take ~~labor exports~~ (wrong phrase) a restaurant worker who goes to Japan and Korea as an example, (wrong comma. This is a comma splice error. Do not connect two sentences with a comma.) there are many cases of ~~labor exports~~ (wrong phrase. An export is something like oil or rice or an iPhone. ) workers taking jobs in Japan and Korea helping their parents at home nation (poor English. Which home nation? Canada? Germany? Poland? ) reconstruct their homes and can be affordable for many facilities (That makes no sense. I do not understand it at all.) through remittances which can become the capital for a small starting-up (wrong phrase) company. For this reason, people tend to choose the lifestyle (wrong word. A lifestyle is how you live, not how much you earn. You have not mentioned any lifestyle. ) of living far away from home to get this advantage.

The apparent drawback can be seen is (ungrammatical. There is no subject for the verb "is". "drawback" is the subject of "can be seen".) that people will face many obstacles and the most salient ones are prejudice ~~against outer~~ (wrong phrase) and cultural differences. Although people are more proactive about time management (I do not understand what time management has to do with prejudice or cultural differences.) and have more chances to do what they want, (This seems to be off-topic. .) some will find it hard to get on well with the local people ~~culture~~ and some will ~~get into~~ experience culture shock when people go out of their comfort zone which may lead to depressed state and some psychological states. (That does not make sense.) For instance, migrants who move to Canada have to prepare to fight against winter (Winter is not related to culture. It is the weather condition. This is not an example of culture shock.) which can cause seasonal depression, and the symptoms including oversleeping, having difficulty concentrating, and feeling hopeless may affect negatively their productivity.

In conclusion, people intending to live away from their families and relatives to find jobs will face both positives and negatives. (Face the positives is not good. You can face difficulties, challenges or obstacles. ) ~~Comparing~~ On the positive side, ~~that~~ they can have a high income which allows them to afford a nice apartment, good food and nearly everything they want. They can also send money home ~~affordable to their demands~~ and raise the families’ quality of life. Comparing that to the inevitable drawbacks, I would say that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Here is an example essay for this task.

In some countries, there are relatively few job opportunities, so people are forced to move a long distance from their family and friends to find suitable employment. Clearly, the advantage is a better job and higher salary, but there are also some challenges involved with making new friends and getting accustomed to the new surroundings. Overall, the advantages overwhelm these temporary problems.

The most common situation is a young person who has just graduated from school in a small town and wants to find work and live independently. Often there are only minimum-wage jobs near their home, so when they search for the best opportunity, they find that there are good jobs in the big cities. A city job will offer them their objective of not being dependent on mother and father. They can look forward to eventually getting married and having a family of their own, and they can be proud of the new responsibility of working and starting a successful career.

However, there are many difficulties and challenges when a young person sets out on their own. There is a major difference between living in a big city with traffic jams and a hectic pace of life compared to a small town where everyone knows each other. Being separated from family and friends can be very stressful and overwhelming, too. However, with the Internet and a smart phone, it will be easy to keep in close touch with the folks at home. Gradually, they will learn their way around the city and also make new friends either at work, or by joining a club or gym. So these drawbacks will only last a few months.

In conclusion, there are disadvantages to moving away from a home town to a large city for employment, but they are only temporary. The advantages of becoming an independent adult are immeasurable.

Please review My Writing Task 2. Thank you very much

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