Please review my writing task 2 - IELTS

Topic: Some people think success in life comes from hard word and determination. Others think money and good appearance are more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

My essay:

It is true that people have a lot of ways to enter success in their's life. While they believe that financial condition and physical beauty are essential to success, I would agree that people can reach a peak of their career when work hard and persistence.

On the one hand, it is undeniable that money and appearance are key factors that help people go to succeed. Firstly, a person coming from a fully convenient family has a good foundation. For example, they can study in a better educational environment as well as run their own business easily without borrowing money from banks or investors. Secondly, a beautiful appearance is one of the crucial factors impacting success. In an interview for seeking a job, for instance, candidates who indicate confident body posture and fashionable clothing have chance to compete with others.

On the other hand, perseverance and persistence are two features unnecessary for a successful person. Work hard helps people gain a lot of valuable experiences from small things to big things, which makes them minimize repeating the risk of the same mistakes. For example, Jack Ma was born in a poor family, he has tried non - stop and eventually became the founder of Alibaba, a multinational technology corporation. Besides that, determination is also very important because the ways leading to success meet much difficulties and challenges. Thus, a great determination directs the man should go and keep him motivated till the end.

In conclusion, although money and good appearance play a significant role in becoming success, I would agree that the industrious and determined factors are far more important.

Thank you very much!