Please review my Writing Task 2 essay

Question

Computers are often argued to be the most important invention of the last hundred years. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?It is true that computers have changed the whole world since they were invented. While I agree that computers have played an important role in our lives for the last hundred years, I believe that they are far from the most vital innovation.Admittedly, people derive a large number of benefits from the invention of computers. First and foremost, computers provide individuals with different ways to relax. With the proliferation of modern computers, entertainments such as video games and 3D movies are becoming more popular than before. For example, children in Vietnam might spend hours watching animated cartoons without getting bored. Looking back on the past, people's lives seemed tedious as there were not many means of entertainment for them to choose. Another reason is that computers have changed the way information is stored. A computer can store huge amount of data that cannot be kept in a human brain. Apart from that, documents contained in a computer can exist for a really long time, which help people to retrieve old news and have better understanding of the past.However, there are some other breakthroughs that are as necessary as computers, such as the internet or nanotechnology. Firstly, the internet is beneficial to people in all aspects. From an educational perspective, correspondence courses via the internet are a great approach that allows students to attend any classes, regardless of distance or time. From a cultural perspective, learning about exotic traditions and customs has never been this easy by using the internet, which helps to enhance mutual understanding among nations. Secondly, applying nanotechnology on a large-scale may lead to a promising future. In healthcare industry, using nanobots tends to cure more quickly with less pain than other remedies do. Besides, the production of super materials based on nanotechnology is likely to create more sustainable objects.In conclusion, although computers are indispensable in our lives, I disagree that they are the most notable innovation over a hundred years.

Poster · Accepted Answer

Thao Nguyen Tran 262Computers are often argued to be

This construction is comparatively rare. It would be more normal to start: it is often argued that ....

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Thao Nguyen Tran 262the most vital innovation

The answer to this essay depends on the criteria used: here 'vital' is being set up as the criterion as a substitute for 'important'. One approach to answering this essay might be to discuss exactly what is meant by 'important' in this context. For example, chemical fertilizers could be considered as the most important as without them it would be difficult to product enough food for the current world population.

Referring to the comments by an ex-examiner in the link below, I would question whether so much space and words should be devoted to the benefits of computers, when your argument is that they are not the most important or vital invention. The whole second paragraph adds nothing to your argument at all, because in your introduction your position is that they are "far from" the most vital invention. If you had stated your position as computers being the second most important, then the second paragraph would make more sense.

https://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2019/03/ielts-writing-task-2-opinion-not-discussion.html

Thao Nguyen Tran 262there were not many means of entertainment for them to choose

there were no means for them to entertain themselves.

By the way, that is not true: there were radio, television, cinemas, music halls, and people made the own entertainments by singing and dancing. Arguably, they were happier and formed a closer community. Re data storage: we are still able to read papyruses (or papyri) and books and inscriptions from hundreds and thousands of years ago, which is unlikely to be the case with modern digital data storage.

The third paragraph introduces the idea that the internet is the most important invention: however, the internet is simply a series of linked computers, so is subsumed by the term computers anyway.

Thao Nguyen Tran 262customs has never been this easy by using the internet

.... has never been as easy as by using ....

Thao Nguyen Tran 262Besides,

When used in this way, 'besides' tends to mark the previous arguments as of little importance, and the following argument as overwhelming.

Thao Nguyen Tran 262over a hundred years

of the last hundred years.

There seem to be few grammatical or vocabulary errors, or issues with coherence or cohesion. I would suggest a little more free-thinking in your ideas and planning before starting. In this essay, one could have argued that washing machines have brought more happiness, free-time, status, and fulfilling careers to women than any other invention in human history. Notice that in arguing this way, the criteria used are quite different. Examiners are looking for a well-argued case in order to award a good score for Task Achievement.

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