Please review my writing task 1. Thanks

Question

The line graph compares the proportion of people regardless of ages in a particular city who took part in music concerts over 5 years (2010-2015).

Overall, the youngest people overtook those peope aged 45-54 as the primary group of music concert attendance, while the elderly people’s participation was lowest from 2010 to 2015.

In 2010, the middle-aged group accounted for the highest percentage, around 50%, while the figures for people from 16 to 24 years old and 25-44 year-olds were lower, about 40% each. One year later, however, people aged 16-24 surpassed those aged to become the group with the highest level and reached a peak of 70% in 2015. There was a small drop in 25-44 age group and hit a low of about 30% in 2012, but increased again approximately one-haft percent in 2015.

In terms of the two remaining groups, the 55-64 age group’s attendance at music concerts declined slightly by 3%, while the figure for people who are more than 75 year-olds rose from 10% to 20%, despite some small decreases in between.

Lê Thị Thanh Trúc · Accepted Answer

This is the topic.

The graph below shows the percentage of people in different age groups in one city who attended music concert between 2010 and 2015.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The line graph compares the proportion of people regardless of ages (That means that there is no information about the ages of these people. All ages, from new-born babies to the oldest are all together in one group.) in a particular city who took part in ( That means that they performed as a singer or they played a musical instrument in the concert. ) music concerts over 5 years (2010-2015).

Your introduction is not accurate. Can you try again?

Overall, the youngest people overtook those peope aged 45-54 as the primary group of music concert attendance, (People are not the same as attendance. You meant the word: attendees) while the elderly people’s participation ( That means that they sang or played a musical instrument. ) was lowest ~~from 2010 to 2015.~~ There is no information about the people aged 65-74.

In 2010, the middle-aged (Middle age is about 30-55. That covers two of the groups whose data is shown. You have not given any other definition of "middle age.". ) group accounted for the highest percentage, around 50%, while the percentages ~~figures~~ for people from 16 to 24 years old and 25-44 years old ~~-olds~~ were lower, about 40% each. One year later, however, people aged 16-24 surpassed those aged to become the group with the highest level and reached a peak (There is a very broad peak on this graph in the 55-65 year-old group between 2011-2013. There is another peak in the 75+ group in 2011. There are no peaks in 2015 because you cannot see what happened in 2016 or later. ) of 70% in 2015. There was a small drop in the 25-44 age group and it hit a low of about 30% in 2012, but increased again approximately one-haft percent (One-half percent is 0.5%. One percent is one person out of 100. A half-percent is one person out of 200. This is not an accurate statement.) in 2015.

In terms of the two remaining groups, the 55-64 age group’s attendance at music concerts declined slightly by 3%, while ~~the figure for~~ that of the people who are more than 75 years old ~~n-olds~~ rose from 10% to 20%, despite some small decreases in between.

Here is an example essay that I wrote for another student:

The line graph plots the proportion of residents of a certain city who went to a music concert in the years 2010 to 2015. They are divided into five age brackets, the young (16-24), adults (25-54), middle-aged adults (45-54), older adults (55-64) and seniors (over 75). Notably, there is no data for the age group 65-74.

Overall, the most noticeable observation is that the younger people attended concerts in relatively larger numbers than older ones. In the first year, only the two youngest groups did not follow this pattern, with the youngest going less than the adults 25-44. In 2015, the percentages (ranging from 20 to 70%) were in the same order as the age ranges of the groups. During the five-year period, the percentages in all age groups went up, except for the older adults (55-64), which decreased slightly.

Over the period, music concerts became much more popular for the youngest group; whereas only four in ten went in 2010, seven in ten did in 2015. They surpassed the adult group in 2011, which had had a decline in attendance from 50 to 40%. The age group with the least variation was the older adults (45-54); their proportions remained in the range from 22-29%. The oldest group, seniors over 75, had the smallest attendance; the highest proportions being recorded in 2011 and 2015 at just over one in five and the lowest in 2013 at about one in ten.

Please review my writing task 1. Thanks

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