Please review my writing task 1 essay

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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1:The maps below show changes that have taken place in the Sawry District neighbourhood since 1920.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.This is my essay:The given maps demonstrate the changes that have occurred in the Sawry District Neighborhood for a period of 100 years since 1920 to 2020.Overall, the Tulebug Bros. Cannery factory has been replaced by the Yang Office Complex building is the most significant change.To begin with, in the west of the district there was the Tulebug Bros. Cannery factory in 1920. However, the old building was torn down and Yang Office Complex has replaced it in 2020. The road which connects the Oak Avenue and the resident area has been expanded and linked with a bridge that pass through Elmwood River. The Prestwich Primary School located in front of the Oak Avenue in 1920 has been replaced by Lonoco Petrol Station. Then, the school has been moved to the north on the land where used to be many trees.There was beach near the Elmwood River in 1920 but in 2020, it no longer exists. Instead, a bike path has been built. The resident area next to the Oak Avenue is more crowded that it used to be in 1920. Despite all the changes, the Elmwood River, the Oak Avenue, Miller’s Lake and some tree area still remains the same during a period of 100 years.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The ~~given~~ (unnatural. Do not use "given" "provided" or other participles.) two maps demonstrate (not a good verb choice.) the changes that have occurred in the Sawry District Neighborhood for (wrong word) a period of 100 years, since (wrong word) 1920 to 2020.

Overall, the Tulebug Bros. Cannery factory has been replaced by the Yang Office Complex building (end of sentence. The words in blue brackets is a predicate. It is ungrammatical. You cannot put this structure as the object of the verb "has been replaced" Furthermore you need more than one "main feature". ) [ is the most significant change.]

~~To begin with,~~ (extraneous. Filler words. Delete) In the west of the district there was the Tulebug Bros. Cannery factory in 1920. However, the old building was torn down and Yang Office Complex has replaced it in 2020. (Repetition. You already wrote this in the "overall" paragraph. "In" is incorrect reporting. The office building could have been built in 1987 or 1964 or any other year. ) The road which connects ~~the~~ Oak Avenue and the resident (wrong word) area has been expanded and linked with a bridge that pass (wrong verb form ) through (wrong word) Elmwood River. The Prestwich Primary School located in front of the Oak Avenue in 1920 has been replaced by Lonoco Petrol Station. Then, (wrong word) the school has been moved to the north (wrong reporting) on the land where used (ungrammatical ) to be many trees.

There was a beach near (wrong word) the Elmwood River in 1920 but in 2020, it no longer exists.(Incorrect reporting. Natural landscape features do not just disappear. A bike trail was built on the beach, so the bike path, and not the beach, is annotated on the map.) Instead, a bike path has been built. The resident (wrong word) area next to the Oak Avenue is more crowded that it used to be in 1920. Despite all the changes, the Elmwood River, the Oak Avenue, Miller’s Lake and some tree area (wrong expression) still remains the same during a period of 100 years. (wrong expression - repetitive. You wrote the time span in the first paragraph.)

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Sample essay: (~190 words)

Paragraph 1: Introduction - Describe the maps.

Paragraph 2: Overview - Report the main features - two or three things that jump out as being very different.

Paragraph 3/4: Comparisons

For before-after maps I recommend one paragraph for the "before" map and a second paragraph with the differences. This strategy gives your essay a high degree of coherence and cohesion.

The two maps depict the Sawry District neighborhood in 1920 and 2020.

Over the past 100 years, the neighborhood has grown considerably with a major office complex on the site formerly occupied by a cannery, a petrol station and many more housing units and shops.

In 1920, Sawry District had one main road, Oak Avenue, running east-west. On its north side was the main industry, Tulebug Bros. Cannery, and most of the housing was along a side road from Oak Avenue. South of Oak Avenue was a shopping area, a few homes and the Prestwich Primary School. The district is bounded by Miller's Lake on the southwest and Elmwood River, to the northeast.

In contrast, now there are high-rise apartment blocks on both sides of Oak Avenue, Lenoco Petrol Station on the site of the primary school, and a bridge over Elmwood River. More shops have opened in the shopping area. The cannery has closed, but multistory office buildings, the Yang Office Complex, now occupy its site. The primary school was enlarged and rebuilt south of the shopping area.

Please review my writing task 1 essay

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