Please review my writing task 1.

Question

The line graph compares four different countries in terms of their per capita CO2 output from 1967 to 2007. It is clear that there were significant changes in the amount of C02 released by each person in four nations shown on the graph. While the UK and Sweden saw C02 production fall over the 40-year period, the production of C02 in Italy and Portugal increased considerably.Between 1967 and 1977, the amount of C02 produced by the average British person remained relatively stable, at around 11 tonnes. While, a dramatic increase was seen in C02 output in all three remaining countries, with the average production of C02 in Sweden reaching the peak of over 10 tonnes and the respective average amounts of C02 emissions in Italy and Portugal rising to 6.5 tonnes and 2.5 tonnes. From 1977 to 2007, a UK person cut C02 production by roughly 2 tonnes, and Swedes reduced their C02 output by over 3 tonnes. By contrast, the average amount of C02 emitted by an Italian rose gradually to 7.5 tonnes in 1997, and stayed almost unchanged for the rest of the period shown. Portugal illustrated a similar pattern, with C02 the average production increasing to 5 tonnes in the year 1997, and stayed relatively stable during the last ten years.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The line graph compares four different countries (what countries?) in terms of their per capita CO2 output from 1967 to 2007.

Better, more comprehensive first sentence. It is compact and efficient. That is a good quality for maths / science style of writing. Write key words to connect this paragraph to the body paragraphs.

The line graph compares the annual per capita CO2 emissions of Sweden, the UK, Portugal and Italy over the 40- year period, 1967 to 2007. The data points plotted are ten-year averages.

~~It is clear that~~ (Filler words. Totally useless, non-productive. Delete.)

t~~here were significant changes in the amount of C02 released by each person in four nations shown on the graph.~~ (That is not a meaningful observation. Over 40 years anything and everything will probably change. The sentence is excessively repetitive and wordy.) While the UK and Sweden saw (avoid anthropomorphic verbs.) C02 production fall ~~over the 40-year period~~, (repetitious) the production of C02 in Italy and Portugal increased considerably.

This is a better overall paragraph:

Although the emissions in the UK and especially Sweden fell, they went up so markedly in Italy and Portugal that the overall four-country average increased slightly. The decade 1967-77 was exceptionable in that levels rose substantially in three of the countries, the exception being the UK, which had little change.

Between 1967 and 1977, the amount of C02 produced by the average British person remained relatively stable, at around 11 tonnes. While, a dramatic increase was seen in C02 output in the other ~~all~~ three ~~remaining countries~~, ~~with the average production of C02~~ most especially in Sweden, where it reached its ~~reaching the~~ peak of over 10 tonnes and ~~the respective average amounts of C02 emissions in~~ Italy and Portugal rising to 6.5 tonnes and 2.5 tonnes. (You gave the values in 1977, but there is no sense of the relative increase over the decade. You did not give the starting values at all.)

From 1977 to 2007, a UK person cut their C02 production by roughly 2 tonnes, and Swedes reduced theirs ~~C02 output~~ by over 3 tonnes. By contrast, the average ~~amount of C02 emitted by an Italian~~ for the Italians rose gradually to 7.5 tonnes in 1997, and stayed almost unchanged thereafter. ~~for the rest of the period shown.~~ Portugal ~~illustrated~~ showed a similar pattern, with C02 the average production increasing to 5 tonnes in ~~the year~~ 1997, and ~~stayed~~ remaining little changed for 2007. ~~relatively constant stable during the last ten years~~.

Your writing is quite verbose and that detracts significantly from its effectiveness.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Sample essay (~185 words)

Notes

1. The extensive comparisons in the detail paragraph. Do not focus on the individual curves, but the comparisons between the four curves on the graph.

2. The use of an abbreviation for the units of measure. The first time you write the units completely, indicate an abbreviation. Learn the methods of abbreviation for English units. This cuts excessive repetition and the word count.

3. Also, study the use of a variety of sentence structures to reduce redundancy, repetition and wordiness.. "Emissions" is used three times, which gives cohesion but not excessive repetition. Pronouns and other words, "level" and "value," refer to the measurements.

4. The last sentence in the detail paragraph ties to the second main feature in the overall paragraph. That adds cohesion and coherence.

The line graph compares the annual per capita CO2 emissions of Sweden, the UK, Portugal and Italy over the 40- year period, 1967 to 2007. The data points are ten-year averages.

Overall, although emissions in the UK and Sweden fell, they went up so markedly in Italy and Portugal that the overall four-country average increased slightly. The decade 1967-77 was exceptionable in that levels had risen substantially in three of the countries, with Sweden at its peak value.

In 1967, the UK was highest, about 11 metric tonnes (MT), followed by Sweden at 8.6. Italy was about half that of Sweden. Portugal, the lowest, was less than one-tenth that of the UK, 1 MT. That ordering remained the same at the next two data points, 1977 and 1987, but Sweden was rapidly cutting its emissions as levels in Portugal and Italy were going up. In 2007 the UK was still leading, followed by Italy, approximately 9.8 and 8.8 MT, respectively. Sweden and Portugal were tied, slightly over 5 MT. The four-country average was about 6.5 compared to 6.1 MT in 1967.

Please review my writing task 1.

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions