Please review my writing task 1

Question

The pie charts indicates the proportion of water consumed for disparate purpose in six countries around the world.

It is clear that there were significant changes in water consumtion through all 6 areas shown on the graph. While industry account for the most water in North American and Europe, the amount of water used for agriculture is the highest percentage in eastern parts.

As can be seen, Central Asia uses water for farming field at almost 90. These figure is below 85% in Africa and South East Asia. The biggest percent of domestic water absorb could be observed is in South America, at 19% while Asian countries have equal proportion, at 7%. The amount of water consumed for manufacturing is larger than those used in Africa and Cetral Asia.

On the other hand, a half of water is required in industrial sectors in western parts. In both of these continents, water cultivation represented the second highest proportion,at nearly a third percent. Finally, Europe and North America spend only half as much in household activities ( 15% and 13%) as agricultural use ( about 32% and 39% respectively)

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AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The pie charts indicates (wrong word, wrong form) the proportion of water consumed for disparate purpose (wrong form, also imprecise - what are the purposes, and how many?) in six countries (wrong word - Europe is not a country.) around the world.

Example opening paragraph.

The pie charts compare the relative amounts of water used in three different economic sectors (Industry, Agriculture and Domestic use) among six regions of the world, four continents (Europe, Africa, North and South America) and two large areas of Asia (Central and South East).

Read this paragraph without looking at the figure. You can imagine exactly what it looks like. Your paragraph does not have that quality. I read your paragraph and cannot imagine the diagram.

You have told the examiner all the aspects of the figure. They expect to see the names of the areas and the types of usage when you describe the information content in the body paragraphs.

It is clear that (verbose, unnecessary) there were significant changes (wrong word. A change happens over time. For example, the usage of electricity changes from summer to winter.) in water consumtion through all 6 six (write out small numbers in words if they are not data values.) areas shown on the graph. (wrong word - graphs are line graphs and scatter graphs. ) While industry account (wrong form,) for the most water in North American (wrong form ) and Europe, the amount of water used for agriculture is ~~the~~ highest ~~percentage~~ in eastern parts. (wrong expression)

As can be seen, (verbose, unnecessary) Central Asia uses water for farming field (wrong word) at almost 90. (wrong expression) These figure (wrong form, wrong words) is below 85% (very imprecise. 10% is below 85%, and so is 44%) in Africa and South East Asia. The ~~biggest~~ highest percent of domestic water absorb (wrong word ) ~~could be observed~~ (wrong grammar - missing relative pronoun. Also, these words are completely useless. They contain no information.) is in South America, at 19% while Asian countries (wrong word) have equal proportion, at 7%. The amount of water consumed for manufacturing is larger than those used in Africa and Cetral Asia.

~~On the other hand~~, a half of water (wrong expression) is required in industrial sectors in western parts. (wrong word) In both of these continents, water cultivation (wrong expression) represented the second highest proportion,at nearly a third percent. (wrong expression. Three percent is .03, or three cents in one dollar. "a third percent" is 0.0033, or one third of one cent in a dollar. ) Finally, Europe and North America spend (wrong word. We spend time. We spend money. We do not spend water. We use water. We drink water. ) only half as much in household activities ( 15% and 13%) as agricultural use ( about 32% and 39% respectively)

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays. Make the necessary corrections to your essay and post the revised version.

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

Example essay. Note. This is 230 words, much longer than an actual Task 1 essay should be. However, it will give you some text to study for this task.

Paragraph #1: Describe the figure but not the information content:

The pie charts compare the relative amounts of water used in three different economic sectors (Industry, Agriculture and Domestic use) among six regions of the world, four continents (Europe, Africa, North and South America) and two large areas of Asia (Central and South East).

Paragraph #2: Pick our two or three of the most significant features.

Overall, the four regions with developing countries, Africa, Asia and South America, use a much higher proportion of water for agriculture than the two continents with industrialized countries, North America and Europe. North America and Europe have nearly identical patterns of water usage.

Paragraph #3 Pick out some interesting details and do some comparisons.

The highest percentage of agricultural water consumption is in Central Asia, with nearly 90% of total usage. But it is closely followed by Africa, at 88% and South East Asia at just over 80%. The remaining water usage in Africa and Central Asia is nearly equally divided between residential and industrial sectors. South East Asia uses about twice as much water for industry as for households, 12 and 7 percent, respectively. In contrast, Europe and North America allocate about half their water to industry, 52 and 48% respectively. The next category is for agriculture, with about a third in Europe and forty percent in North America. South America is similar to other developing regions with the highest usage, 71% going to agriculture. But it is the region with the largest domestic consumption, at 19%. In comparison, Europe and North America have domestic usage of 15 and 13 percent.

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