Please review my Writing Task 1

Question

The graph below provides information about the percentage of the changing patterns of domestic access to modern technology in homes in UK.

Obviously, there was only a trend from 1996 to 2003, it was the increase at all aspects. Furthermore, the percentage of mobile phone increased slowly from 1999 to 2000.

CD player had the highest percent from 1996 to 2003, the lowest one belonged to Internet access, the percentage of CD player was always higher than 60, while the percentage of Internet access was under 50. The percentage of home computer increased gradually from 1996 to 2003, from approximately 30 percent to nearly 60 percent. The percentage of mobile phone climbed sharply from 1996 to 1999 but rose gradually from 1999 to 2000, after that, it climbed sharply and then rose gradually, up to 70 percent

It is noticable that the percentage of mobile phone was not stable from 1996 to 2003. Otherwise, there were a stable increase at the rest patterns of domestic access to modern technology.

Please give me any mistakes on my post, and if possible, please give me the score for this post

Thank you so much

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays.

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

The (What kind of graph is it?) graph ~~below~~ (Do not use "above, below, provided or given") provides information about (That is very vague. You are supposed to describe the graphic precisely. What is plotted on the graph?) the percentage of the changing patterns (What is a percentage of a changing pattern? I have no idea what this might be. ) of domestic access to modern technology (That does not describe what is on this graph at all. You just confuse the reader.) in ~~homes in~~ the UK.

Obviously, there was only a trend (That does not make sense. What type of trend?) from 1996 to 2003, (You did not tell the reader the time frame in the first paragraph. You did not think about your essay before you started to write.) it was the increase at all aspects. (This makes no sense. What aspects are you talking about?) Furthermore, the percentage of mobile phone (A percentage of a mobile phone is like one part of it. Maybe the buttons or the outside case, or the screen. You have not told the reader what the lines are or how many are on the graph.) increased slowly from 1999 to 2000.

CD player had the highest percent from 1996 to 2003, the lowest one belonged to Internet access, (comma splice error) the percentage of CD player (Which part of the CD player?) was always higher than 60, while the percentage of Internet access was under 50. The percentage of home computer increased gradually from 1996 to 2003, from approximately 30 percent to nearly 60 percent. The percentage of mobile phone climbed sharply from 1996 to 1999 but rose gradually from 1999 to 2000, after that, it climbed sharply and then rose gradually, up to 70 percent

It is noticable that the percentage of mobile phone was not stable from 1996 to 2003. Otherwise, there were (subject/verb mismatch) a stable increase at the rest patterns (A rest pattern is the times of day that a person goes to sleep or takes a nap.) of domestic access to modern technology.

Here is an example essay; however, it is longer than necessary. Study the vocabulary and phrases. You need to improve your mastery of mathematical expressions.

The opening paragraph tells the reader everything about the graphic, but does not mention any data values:

The line graph plots the percentage of households in the UK that had one or more of four different technologies in their homes, namely namely a CD player, a mobile phone, Internet service and a home computer between the years 1996 and 2003.

The second paragraph tells 2 or 3 most significant observations in the data:

Overall, the presence of all these technologies in UK homes increased steadily over the period. The majority of homes had a CD player in 1996, whereas none had internet access. Internet access was first introduced in 1998. By the end of the period, 2003, the majority of homes had all of them, except for internet service.

The third paragraph gives some interesting details in the data:

Ownership of CD players was quite common. In 1996, 60% of families had one, higher than any of the others. This went up continuously and steadily to over 80% in 2003. But, mobile phones had the largest percentage change, from under one-fifth in 1996 to nearly two-thirds in 2003, when it placed second after CD players. Possession of a home computer was second after the CD Players in 1996, at about a quarter of all households, but fell to third place in 2003, at just over half. The percentage of mobile phones had surpassed that of home computers between 1999 and 2000. The last technology, internet access, was in fourth place. It started to appear in 1998, installed in about 10% of homes, and ending at just under 50% in 2003.

Please review my Writing Task 1

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