Please review my writing ielts task 1

Question

The bar chart compares the proportion of people who worked part-time in four different countries in the UK over a 31-year period.
Overall, the percentages of part-time workers in Wales, England and Scotland showed an upward trend from 1980 to 2010, whereas a small decrease was seen in that of Northern Ireland. In addition, Wales had the highest proportion of people who had part-time jobs during the period shown.
In 1980, just under a third of the Welsh population had part-time jobs. The figures for England and Northern Ireland were lower, at about 25% and 15%, respectively. Meanwhile, the proportion of part-time works in Scotland was the lowest of the four countries, only around 11%.
During the period of 31 years, Wales experienced a small increase in the percentage of people who worked part-time, rising by around 2% in 2010. England and Scotland showed similar trends. The proportion of part-time workers in England increased to slightly over 30%, while the figure for Scotland rose remarkably to approximately 20% during the same period. By contrast, Northern Ireland witnessed a small fall of 2% in 2010.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

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AlpheccaStars · Answer

The bar chart compares the proportion of people who worked part-time in the four different countries in the UK over a 31-year period. (Wrong usage. Use "period" when you have continuous data, not just two separated points of time.) (Incomplete. What are the names of these countries?)

Overall, the percentages of part-time workers in Wales, England and Scotland showed ~~an upward trend~~ (Trend is the wrong word. You cannot see a trend with only two data points.) went up / rose from 1980 to 2010, whereas a small decrease was seen in that of Northern Ireland. In addition, Wales had the highest proportion of people who had part-time jobs in both of these years ~~during the period~~ shown.

In 1980, just under a third of the Welsh population had part-time jobs. The percentages figures for England and Northern Ireland were lower, at about 25% and 15%, respectively. Meanwhile, the proportion of part-time works (wrong word) in Scotland was the lowest of the four countries, only around 11%.
~~During the period of 31 years,~~ (Wrong usage, "period" is only valid when you have continuous data.) Wales ~~experienced~~ (Not a good word choice.) showed a small increase in the percentage of people who worked part-time, rising by around 2% in 2010. England and Scotland showed similar patterns. ~~trends~~. The proportion of part-time workers in England increased to slightly over 30%, while ~~the figure~~ for Scotland it rose ~~remarkably~~ to approximately 20% ~~during the same period~~. By contrast, Northern Ireland ~~witnessed~~ a had small fall of 2% in 2010.

Please review my writing ielts task 1

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