Please review my writing ielts task 1

Question

The line graph compares the number of people who visited different museums over a 36-year period.
Overall, there was a significant increase in the number of visitors to Vatican Museums and Louvre, while a reverse pattern was observed in London Museum and Shenzen Museum. In addition, Lourve was the most popular museum of the four museums.
In 1980, just over 8 million visitors came to Louvre. Ranked second was Vatican Museums with nearly 5 million visitors, followed by London Science Museum, with slightly over 4 million visitors. Shenzen Museum was the least popular among visitors, only under 4 million.
During the period of 36 years, Vatican Museum saw the most dramatic rise in the number of visitors to just over 9000 million in 2015. The figure for Louvre showed a similar trend, rising to nearly 10 million visitors in the same period. By contrast, London Science Museum witnessed a remarkable decrease to a low of around 2 million visitors in 2015 despite a stable period between 1980 and 1985. The number of visitors to Shenzen Museum fell gradually by approximately 1 million in 1995 before rising back to nearly 4 million by the end of the period.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

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AlpheccaStars · Answer

The line graph compares the number of people who visited different museums over a 36-year period. (Your first paragraph is woefully inadequate. Was this 36-year period from 1900-1935 or 1880-1915, or something else? How many museums are shown - 5 or 20? What are their names?)

Overall, there was a significant increase in the numbe

Overall, there was a significant increase in the number of visitors to Vatican Museums and Louvre, while a reverse pattern was observed in London Museum and Shenzen Museum. In addition, Lourve was the most popular museum of the four museums. (Four? You have only mentioned three. The reader is confused.)

In 1980, just over 8 million visitors came to Louvre. Ranked second was Vatican Museums with nearly 5 million visitors, followed by London Science Museum, with slightly over 4 million visitors. Shenzen Museum was the least popular among visitors, only under 4 million.

During the period of 36 years, (You still have not told the reader what years these are.) Vatican Museum saw (wrong word) the most dramatic rise in the number of visitors to just over 9000 million in 2015. The figure (wrong word) for Louvre showed a similar trend, rising to nearly 10 million visitors in the same period. By contrast, London Science Museum witnessed (wrong word) a remarkable decrease to a low of around 2 million visitors in 2015 despite a stable period between 1980 and 1985. The number of visitors to Shenzen Museum fell gradually by approximately 1 million in 1995 before rising back to nearly 4 million by the end of the period.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Sample Essay. This essay is too long, but will give you some ideas of phrasing and how to combine categories. To get the highest score, you should make logical combinations. In this case, I added up the totals at the beginning and end of the period, and computed two percentages for comparison.

The line graph plots the numbers of people who visited four well-known museums (the London

The line graph plots the numbers of people who visited four well-known museums (the London Science Museum, the Vatican Museums, the Louvre and the Shenzhen Museum) over the 35-year period from 1980 to 2015.

Overall, there was a increase in total visitor counts to these museums, but one museum, the London Science Museum, had substantially fewer admissions at the end of the period than at the beginning. And the Shenzhen Museum showed virtually no change.

In detail, in 1980, there were about 21 million total visitors, with the Louvre being the clear favorite having just under 8 million or about 40% of the total. The counts at the remaining three ranged between 3.8 and 4.8 million with the Vatican Museums holding second place with about 4.8 million. These two top museums stayed in first and second place continually through the years. By 2015, the numbers had increased to a total of about 24.4 million, with The Louvre and the Vatican Museums having three-quarters of the total fairly evenly divided between them. The Shenzhen Museum, which had steadily declining numbers, 3.8 to 3 million, from 1980 to 2000, recovered to end about where it started. In 2015, the London Science museum attracted only half the number as it had in 1980, just over 2 million.

Please review my writing ielts task 1

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