Please review my writing ielts task 1

Question

The line graph provides data about the number of men and women who enrolled in gym clubs over a 31-year period from 1980 to 2010.
Overall, the number of male and female members fluctuated during the period shown. In addition, the figures for men were higher than those for women.
In 1980, male gym membership began at just over 2000, which doubled the figure for female members, at slightly over 1000. There was then a steady increase in the number of male members to nearly 4000 in 1985 before falling to a low of approximately 1600 in 1995. Also, female rates showed an upward trend in the same period, rising to just over 3000 in 1995.
However, the number of men witnessed a significant rise to reach a peak of 5000 between 2000 and 2005 and then declined sharply to a record low of nearly 600 in 2012. By contrast, there were fluctuations in female rates during the same period. By the end of the period, the figure for females was nearly 2000, which was three times more than males.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

I have highlighted the words or expressions that are not used properly.

The patterns on this graph are not really fluctuations, but variations. If you write about fluctuations you must describe a trend line, because fluctuations are variations on an underlying trend. To learn the word 'fluctuation" read my advice. It also describes misused words "figure," "peak" and "rate." If you would like a sample essay, please ask.

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

The line graph provides data about (Tell the reader what is shown on the chart. "Data about" is not precise enough.) the number of men and women who enrolled in (It does not show enrollments but memberships. A person can enroll in 2001 and still be a member in 2006. They do not enroll in 2006..) gym clubs over a 31-year period from 1980 to 2010.
Overall, the number of male and female members fluctuated during the period shown.(All data, no matter what, has changes. It is not a main feature that the number change!) In addition, the figures for men were higher than those for women. (That is not correct. There were more women memberships in 1995. You need to study the figure carefully. )

In 1980, male gym membership began at just over 2000, which doubled (The verb double is not correct. You need the adjective "double". The verb is dynamic, the adjective stative. Values double over time. At one time point, value X is double that of value Y. ) the figure for female members, at slightly over 1000. There was then a steady increase in the number of male members (Memberships, not members. The expression "male member" refers to a certain body part that men have and women do not. have.) to nearly 4000 in 1985 before falling to a low of approximately 1600 in 1995. Also, female rates (There are no rates of the graph. You can calculate it, but you have to show how you did the calculation.) showed an upward trend in the same period, rising to just over 3000 (That is not a rate.) in 1995.
However, the number of men witnessed (Numbers do not witness things. Only people do.) a significant rise to reach a peak of 5000 between 2000 and 2005 and then declined sharply to a record low of nearly 600 in 2012. By contrast, there were fluctuations in female rates during the same period. By the end of the period, the figure for females was nearly 2000, which was three times more than males.

Please review my writing ielts task 1

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions