Please review my writing IELTS task 1

Question

Topic: The table gives information about five types of vehicles registered in Australia in 2010, 2012, and 2014.

My essay:

The table compares the number of five means of transport that were registered in Australia in three different years 2010, 2012, and 2014.

Overall, It can be seen that there was a dramatic rise in the number of all registered vehicles over the period shown. The biggest change was witnessed in the motorcycles, which was opposite to the heavy trucks.

In 2010, The number of passenger vehicles registered was the highest, at 11,800,000 vehicles, which was reserve in light trucks, at 106,000 vehicles. Exactly 2,300,000 vehicles was registered by commercial, while just only 540,000 and 384,000 vehicles was obtained by motorcycles and heavy trucks, respectively.

All kinds of transport had an upward trend from 2010 to 2014. In particular, the figure for motorcycles grew remarkably to 709,000 vehicles, which makes it accounted for 30.8% of the change. Similarly, the data for passenger vehicles, commercial vehicles, and light trucks went to grammatically 13,000,000, 2,700,000, and 131,000 vehicles, respectively and took 10.2%, 17.4%, and 23,5% in the changes, respectively. Regarding heavy trucks number registered, it saw a much slower growth, with having 416,000 vehicles, a rise of 8.3%.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The table compares the number of five means of transport (Ships, bicycles and trains are means of transport. Are these in the table? You need to be very specific.) that were registered in Australia in three different years 2010, 2012, and 2014. (Your first paragraph is incomplete.

Overall, ~~It can be seen that~~ (Tho

Overall, ~~It can be seen that~~ (Those words are useless. They do not tell the reader anything about the data.) there was a dramatic rise in the number of all registered vehicles over the period shown. The biggest change was ~~witnessed~~ (wrong word) in the motorcycles, which was opposite to the heavy trucks.

In 2010, The number of passenger vehicles registered was the highest, at 11,800,000 vehicles, which was reserve (wrong word) in light trucks, at 106,000 vehicles. Exactly (These numbers are not exact. Do you know why?) 2,300,000 vehicles was (wrong form) registered by commercial, (wrong phrase) while just only 540,000 and 384,000 vehicles was obtained (wrong word) by motorcycles and heavy trucks, respectively.

All kinds of transport (Even ships and trains?) had an upward trend from 2010 to 2014. In particular, the number of figure for (wrong word) motorcycles grew remarkably to 709,000 vehicles, which makes it accounted (wrong form) for 30.8% of the change. (wrong expression) Similarly, the data for passenger vehicles, commercial vehicles, and light trucks went to grammatically (wrong word) 13,000,000, 2,700,000, and 131,000 vehicles, respectively and took 10.2%, 17.4%, and 23,5% in the changes, (wrong express) respectively. Regarding heavy trucks number registered, it had ~~saw~~ (wrong word) a much slower growth, with having (wrong expression) 416,000 vehicles, a rise of 8.3%.

Example essay:

The table gives the numbers of registered vehicles in Australia at three different points of time, 2010, 2012 and 2014. Numbers are shown for each of five categories: passenger vehicles, commercial vehicles, motorcycles, heavy trucks and light trucks.

Overall, the greatest number of registrations were for passenger vehicles, more than five times as many as the second place category, commercial vehicles, and ten times that of the smallest category, light trucks. The rank order of the categories did not change from year to year. All categories increased, with percentage changes ranging from 8 to 31 percent. For all these categories, Australia had over 15 and 17 million registered vehicles in 2010 and 2014, respectively.

In 2010, there were 11.8 million passenger cars and that increased to 13 million, or 10.2%. It was the second smallest increase of all types Only heavy trucks had a smaller gain, 8.3%, from 384 to 416 thousand. There were over a half million motorcycles registered in 2010, and their numbers went up by nearly 31%, ending at 709 thousand.

Please review my writing IELTS task 1

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