Please review my writing for an IELTS writing Task 2

Question

Please review my essay. Thank you so much for your help.

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

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The population with more people in their early adulthoods than those living in their declining years can be a double-edged issue for a country. I believe, however, despite some detrimental effects, which this population might bring up, it will be wholly inferior to the beneficial ones.

Initially, although the country populated with more young citizens might withstand a serial loss of traditional customs, the supplantations of more appropriate ones are expected. The complicated procedure of conventional Vietnamese marriage, for example, converted to be more simple. Meanwhile, backward customs of some ethnic groups in Vietnam, namely child marriages and burying alive victims alongside the dead, are gradually eradicated due to the intense defenses against their grandparents or parents of the second or third generations having progressive mindsets of the modern world, which the older usually lacks. Next, despite the brain drain consequence, youthful inhabitants are more likely to become the country's promising labor force. With a population of which the majority is in the most productive ages, there will be a fertile source of employment for companies to exploit. However, unlike the desire to lead a stable life of the elder, it is unavoidable for some outstanding youths with dynamic and changing lifestyles to work beyond the border for better payment and welfare; this, fortunately, happens in the minority.

Additionally, the more residents aged between 20 and 40 a country may have, the more stability its population can attain. Higher possibilities of getting married and giving birth are, for instance, said to happen mostly among people of the mentioned age.

In conclusion, while consequences of traditional loss and grey matter deficiency tangibly would befall a country populating with few elders, positive effects on national childbirths and workforce are so undisputed that it might surpass.

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Thank you.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

A lot of your writing is off-topic. The essay is asking you to compare one country with a young population, for example, an average age of under 20 (Somalia, Ethiopia, and Kenya), to another country with an older population, for example, an average age of 45 (Japan, Germany and Italy.)
What are the disadvantages of having a very young population?

The population (A country has only one population. Your sentence implies that a country can have many of them, and each has a different proportion of young and old people. That is not a good paraphrase of this task.) with more people in their early adulthoods (wrong form. Adulthood is non-count) than those living in their declining years can be a double-edged issue (wrong expression. These idioms are fixed, and you have to use them exactly.) for a country. I believe, however, despite some detrimental effects, which this population might bring up, (wrong verb) it will be wholly inferior to the beneficial ones. (I do not understand this. )

Initially, although the (wrong article) country populated with more young citizens might withstand a serial (wrong word) loss of traditional customs, the supplantations of more appropriate ones are expected. The complicated procedure of conventional Vietnamese marriage, for example, converted to be more simple. (That is not a sentence. It is a long and complicated noun phrase.) Meanwhile, ~~backward~~ unacceptable customs of some ethnic groups in Vietnam, namely child marriages and burying ~~alive~~ victims alive alongside the dead, are gradually being eradicated due to the intense defenses (wrong word) against their grandparents or parents of the second or third generations having progressive mindsets of the modern world, which the older usually lacks. (This sentence is too complicated to follow. Besides, most of it is off-topic. The changing culture and traditions of a country is not the topic of this task.) Next, despite the brain drain ~~consequence~~, youthful inhabitants ~~are more likely to~~ (wrong word ) will become the country's ~~promising~~ labor force. With a population of in which the majority is in ~~the~~ their most productive ages, there will be a large number of candidates ~~fertile source of employment~~ for companies to employ. ~~exploit~~. However, unlike the desire to lead a stable life of the elder, it is unavoidable for some outstanding youths with dynamic and changing lifestyles to work beyond the border for better payment and welfare; this, fortunately, happens in the minority.

Additionally, the more residents aged between 20 and 40 a country may have, the more stability its population can attain. (This is difficult to understand. I think you mean that if many people are couples of childbearing ages, the population will not grow. That does not makes sense. These kinds of populations grow faster than those with elderly populations.) Higher possibilities of getting married and giving birth are, for instance, said to happen mostly among people of the mentioned age.(wrong phrase)

In conclusion, while consequences of traditional loss and grey matter deficiency tangibly (That makes no sense.) would befall a country populating (wrong form) with few elders, positive effects from a sustainable birth rate and a youthful ~~on national childbirths~~ and workforce are so undisputed ~~that it might surpass~~ (missing direct object. You did not use this verb correctly.) .

AlpheccaStars · Answer

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

I will employ your position and argument points.

Note that this sample essay is a bit too long, but it will give you some ideas on a good way to approach this topic.

In the nations of the world, there are wide variety of population types. Some, such as Japan, have a population with many more seniors than young people, and the average age is increasing. Others, such as Iran and Kenya have a young population with relatively few elderly people. Although there are disadvantages to a population dominated by young adults, the advantages are much greater.

First, in a population with the majority of people at child-bearing ages, the birth rate may be quite high. The result is that the number of people will increase unsustainably. It puts a lot of strain on the available resources, because there are more mouths to feed, but there is a limit on the amount of food production. It will also burden the healthcare, education and housing systems. The government will have to raise taxes to pay for growing the capacity of these public systems, putting a severe financial burden on the wage-earners. The outcome of all this pressure can be famine, poverty and illiteracy. However, that is the most pessimistic scenario, and there are ways to avoid it. If birth control measures are widely available, or there are laws limiting the number of children per family, population growth can be curtailed to a reasonable or even an ideal level.

Second, given a large working-age population, the economy will flourish because international companies will move in and build manufacturing facilities to take advantage of the large available workforce. Taxes from these companies provides funds for the government to invest in education, healthcare, environmental protection and infrastructure. The standard of living and quality of life in these countries will rise. Generous pensions can be paid to the older retired people, who can serve as caretakers of the children, volunteer teachers, and the keepers of customs and traditions of their culture.

In conclusion, having a population with a large number of young adults is extremely beneficial for a nation, and the disadvantages can be limited by the government taking appropriate policies.

Please review my writing for an IELTS writing Task 2

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