Please review my TOEIC essay

Topic: Some parents continue helping their children financially, even after the children have graduated from college until they become financially stable on their own. Others parents believe their children will learn more by being forced to be responsible for their own finances as soon as they finish college. Which do you think is the better approach? Use specific examples and details to support your answer.

Some parents think they need to support their children financially even when they graduate. Others think it is necessary to make them be responsible for their life. Personally, I strongly believe that the better approach is stopping financial assistance. It helps young adults not only to develop their self-reliance but also to learn how to save money and gain more skills.

To start with, children tend to become independent adults when they don't receive parental finance support. Specifically, parents don’t want their kids struggling with difficult life as they were young. So they try to support them as much as possible. As a result, children become more reliable on their parent and lose motivations to work or study. Instead of giving them money, parents should raise them to become a self-reliant person by giving them helpful advice, taking care of their physical and mental health.

Secondly, not having parental support helps children to live on their own and balance their budget. Truly, people who finish college and take in the university have to pay for rent cost, utility bills, healthcare, parking fee, institute,… Therefore, instead of parting their nights away and waste money on luxuries, they try to save money for personal lives. They also plan to save money for a brighter future like buying their own house, marriage, kids’ education.

Finally, it is a good way for children to be knowledgeable in various fields. If parents can afford to support children after college, like tuition and living expenses, this allows young adults to focus on and perform well at school. But if they have a part-time job while they are in universities, they both have academic and practical knowledge which is very helpful to their future career.

In conclusion, people have their own choices to bring up their children. For me, it is better to stop financial support as soon as they graduate from college. I will raise my children in this way in the future.