Please review my (short) motivation letter for MSc. (STEM field)

Hi all, I have been visiting this forums for quite a while to learn how to write a motivation letter for graduate admissions. Could you please review my semi-final draft?

Dear Sir or Madam,

I wish to apply to the Master in [program] at [university] for the 2012 autumn term. My career objective is to become an analyst in the manufacturing and logistics industries.

In 2010, I earned a bachelor degree in Industrial and Systems Engineering from [university] in Mexico. During my undergraduate studies, I was exposed to a broad range of subjects in probability, statistics and optimization. My interest in the field of emerged as I took courses about operations research; I found interesting how mathematical models can provide a great support in strategic decisions in companies and other organizations.

My motivation during my undergraduate students was to be in the top students of the class, strong analytical skills allowed me to accomplish this goal and have and outstanding academic performance. Apart from graduating with “Excellence Honors”, which is the higher academic distinction in the institution, I was awarded an Excellence Scholarship to pursue graduate studies in my home university for having the highest GPA of all the graduating students in the campus.

Upon graduating, I was recruited by a national company that designs, manufactures and
commercializes appliances for more than 70 countries. Since I showed a leadership potential I entered a technical leadership development program in this organization. In this program I was able to work and learn from different
areas of the company ranging from production planning and supply chain management to manufacturing. Particularly, I was involved in the preparation and improvement of the manufacturing site and its supply chain for the introduction of a new refrigerator platform. During this hands-on experience I developed a strong sense of collaboration, demonstrated influence and negotiation skills.

During my work experience I became aware of the potential of mathematical methods in solving industrial problems. I remember a problem we had trying to minimize work-in-process (WIP) between different processes of the manufacturing system. Of course probability was a critical factor, and the large number of product types and parts dimensions made the problem more complex. I want to become a professional capable of formulating and applying advanced mathematical models to help organizations solve problems such as that and maximize their outcomes. The course content of this program will help me accomplish that. More precisely, the strength of the department in the field of stochastic processes is very relevant to my career goals.

Although I am entitled to an almost-full scholarship in my home university for master studies, I have the ambition to study at [university] for its quality education and research focus. I am attracted by the opportunities presented to international students, and the international environment of the university. Furthermore, the strong links between [university] and technological companies in the region provides a great opportunity to develop practical experience.

Thank you for considering my application, I look forward to a positive response.

Sincerely yours,

[Name]