Please review my personal statement

Hi all,

Not sure if this is the best place to ask this. Please move to the right place if it wasn't.

I have written a one-page personal statement to submit as part of my application for a master degree. Could you please review it for any grammatical mistakes? Any other comments and suggestions are muchly welcome! Thanks!

Here it is:

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In today's world of survival of the fittest, one has to be equipped with knowledge, experience, as well as ambition to move forward and succeed. It has been my goal to further my business knowledge and ambition through studies at MIT, as a leading university with a reputation of excellence in business and information technology education.

I have an undergraduate degree of Bachelor of Applied Science in Software Engineering from MIT. Combined with my sound academic results and the fact I was graduating from a prestigious university enabled me to secure a graduate position promptly before I even completed my undergraduate degree. Since then, I now have almost 3 years of working experience as a software engineer at XXXX, one of the leading database technology solution contractors to many business organisations.

It is in my work experience I have come to realize that having only great technical skills is not sufficient to prevail in the world of information technology industry. I have been exposed numerous times to situations in the meetings with my higher up managers and the clients where I felt uneasy and diffident for not being able to fully comprehend the topics being discussed, which focussed much on the business concepts and rules of the project requirements.

Determined not to repeat the same mistakes, I have set a goal to myself to expand my business knowledge through a postgraduate study in a master degree that combines information technology with business educations. And MIT's Master of Business Information Technology is just precisely the right thing for me. With the flexibility in the course structure, I will be able to develop a program path that suits my needs to the changing business information technology environment. In addition, the study tours will also provide me a good opportunity to globalise my business perspective and experience overseas travel and cultural differences with other countries.

Academically, I believe I have a solid foundation, as demonstrated by the numerous awards and prizes I received during my undergraduate study at MIT. I was awarded the MIT High Achievement Scholarships throughout the whole years of my study from 2004 - 2007 for constantly being in the top 10% of students in Bachelor of Applied Science (Software Engineering). In 2005, I was elected to become a life-time member of the Golden Key International Honor Society for being in the top 15% of all MIT undergraduate outstanding academic students. Finally, I completed my undergraduate degree with an MIT award as a top 2007 final year student.

I believe that the combination of continuing desire for self-improvement, increased learning, combined with my insistence on approaching problems with both reason and practical application, and thus to lay new paths with new ideas, is my defining character that will take me forward to successfully complete the Master of Business Information Technology degree. At the end of the degree, I am looking forward to contributing my knowledge in the workplace not only from the technical point of view, but also from the business perspective I learnt, and to be capable of undertaking challenging positions and acting as catalysts in the business organisations.