Please review my motivation letter, 1st draft - plenty of time (3 months)

Hi everyone ,

since the beginning of my semester break I´ve started to write a first draft of my motivation letter. I would like to take part in the Erasmus program of the EU. Therefore, we have to write a ML, which will only be read by the responsible persons of my german university. As stated on the thread title, there is still plenty of time to bring this letter as close to "perfection" as possible and I´ll do my best to implement any improvement suggestions.

I think there might be quite a lot of comma mistakes. So feel free to point out every single mistake/improvement you can think of. Besides, I think I´ll add one paragraph focussing on one specific university offered by the program and give reasons why I´d like to choose university X. However, in order to know how long this paragraph can be, I d first like you to go over this draft, since it is already pretty long.

Letter of motivation

Dear Madam or Sir,

I am applying to take part in the Erasmus Exchange Student Program starting in the academic year 2012/2013.

My career ambition is to become an overall well-skilled teacher, which requires a variety of qualities beyond the pure/solely? expert knowledge acquired in class. Knowledge of human nature, sensitivity and understanding (/of?)cultural diversity, only to mention some of those aspects, are very important as well. I expect and greatly hope to develop and refine these personal qualities during my time in a foreign country.

In high school I graduated with English and economics and politics(these 3 "and´s" are kind of confusing) as my majors. I am continuing my academic career with the study of both disciplins on the teachers track at the X University of X. During my first year at university this choice has proven to be absolutely suitable, deepening my interest in both fields and enjoying to extend my knowledge. During my second semester I learned even harder and improved my grades, that show a positive trend. I would consider myself a very eager and studiously working person, targeting to graduate with the state examination with an average score below 1,5. I passed my Abitur with an average score of 2,0.

Complementing my good academic performance are my advanced skills in communication and dealing appropriately with new people and surroundings(this can probably be expressed in a better way?!). Living in two patch-work families with seven children of the age of ten to twenty-three, three cats anda/one? dog, I had to learn early to adapt to new people inside ones very intimate social environment. Mutual respect and open dialogue are prerequisite to successfully manage everyday life. Retrospectively, I have profited enormously by my familial development.

Additionally, I am working for over two years (how else could I express this?) as a private tutor for pupils of English. I learned to understand how emotions, especially enthusiasm, can motivate others. Helping students to overcome their insecurities by sharing my experiences and impressions of school and giving insightful tips how to steadily improve their language is a satisfying experience for both sides. My pupils occasionally bring their exchange student/s of their school exchange program/s with them and one can almost feel the inquisitiveness they generate for everyone. I would love to experience this on my own.

My intention to participate in a student exchange program was especially inspired by David Lodge´s campus novels Changing Places: A Tale of Two Campuses and Small World: An Academic Romance. 1) Although, I had the idea of doing an exchange study year before, since such an experience will obviously influence my character as well as my speech performance positively, those novels strengthened my wanderlust./ 2) Since such an experience will obviously influence my character as well as my speech performance positively I had the idea of doing an exchange study year before. But those novels strengthened my wanderlust. (I guess 2 is better?) Changing Places, in particular, was part of our lecture “Introduction to Literature”. Being new to university life, Marburg and one´s fellow students, we could sympathize with the characters feelings and development throughout the book and enjoyed discussing certain excerpts.

The idea of spending my exchange study year at a British university, however, was not only inspired by Lodge´s novels and the ficitional University of Rummidge,( which is based on the University of Birmingham, where Lodge taught English literature himself)--> too much detail i guess?. Instead/But also, a close friend of mine, who is pursuing his Master study degree in X at a the University X of London has provided me with his thoughts of British university life. A large number of international students, the UK being a multicultural society, the world wide recognition of the quality of UK higher education institutions as well as their long traditions are very convincing. In August 2010 I visited/I had the chance to visit a former classmate in Reading, where she was working as an au-pair. During my two-week stay I learned more about the country and people. The smooth transition between rural areas and big cities, (such as the metropolis of London,)--> should this be included? is striking. The hospitality and openness of the people could/can easily make up for the bad weather. In short, UK has enthralled me during my stay.

The most important factor for me to choose Britain is definitely the language. As an English teacher and being a model for the students, I think it is indispensable to speak the language fluently. Spending several months in an English-speaking country is the only way to acquire that high level of knowledge. The distinctive British accent will certainly add to required authenticity in front of class.

Furthermore, I am fascinated by the European idea. The freedom of individuals within the EU territory is extremely valuable. Hopefully, politicians will be able to avoid serious damage caused by the debt crisis and maintain the European ideal. Therefore, I would like to be part of the Erasmus program and keep the dream alive. (I guess you get the argument that I am trying to describe? How else could i write this? I think this sounds weird! [6])

Given my past history of eagerness to learn and recent interest in British culture I am confident that I will bring a high level of energy and enthusiasm to the program. I am sure to exceed your expectations, because of both my academic and interpersonal skills as well as my open nature acquired throughout my work as a tutor and my familial life. I am full of confidence that I will fit as surprisingly well into my new environment as Morris Zapp did in David Lodge´s Rummidge.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely yours,

Best regards golfons