Please review my letter for IELTS

Question

Letter instructionsYou should spend about 20 minutes on this task.You have a full-time job and you are also doing a part-time evening course.You now find that you cannot continue the course.Write a letter to your teachers. In your letterdescribe the situationexplain why you cannot continue at this timesay what action you would like to take  Dear Mr. Bailey,I am Ms. Pradhan from 6.30pm’s batch of Data Science, and I am writing this letter to inform you about the decision of discontinuing from the class.You must be aware that I am working as a full-time employee with INeuron Tech. Recently, there have been a change in my work schedule and I have been expected to work in a second shift. Earlier, I used to work in 9-5’s shift, however, from now on I will have to work in a shift from 12-9.Hence, I have decided to discontinue from the class since my work commitments will be overlapping with the course timing.I am aware that currently there are no batches available in the morning time, however upon checking with the administration office of the coaching, I came to know that we are going to have a morning batch from the next month. Thus, I would be looking forward to join the new batch from the next month.I hope to see you next month in the new batch. Thank you for understanding my situation.Yours sincerely,Ms. PradhanCould you please evaluate this letter on the basis of Task achievement, coherence and cohesion, lexical resources and grammatical range and accuracy. Thank you!

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Here is some very good guidance for these letters:

https://www.engvid.com/english-resource/ielts-general-task-1-letter-writing/

Dear Mr. Bailey,

I am ~~Ms. Pradhan from~~ 6.30pm’s batch of Data Science, (A batch is a group of items that are made at the same time under the same conditions - e.g. a batch of cookies. Your phrase is completely unnatural. ) and I am writing this letter to inform you about the decision of discontinuing from the class.

I am a student in your ¹ 6:30 pm Data Science class, and unfortunately, am writing to inform you that I have to drop out of the class.

1. You are writing to the teacher, so "your class" is the correct description.. Do not announce your name - the teacher knows his students, and it is in the signature line.

I regret having to make this decision, but have little choice. ~~You must be aware that~~ (Perhaps the teacher is not aware of this.) I am working ~~as a~~ full-time ~~employee~~ with INeuron Tech. Recently, there have (wrong verb form) been a change in my work schedule and I have been (wrong verb form) expected to work in a second shift. ~~Earlier~~, I used to work in 9-5’s (incorrect phrasing) shift, (comma splice error) however, from now on I will have to work ~~in a shift~~ from 12-9.

Hence, I have decided to discontinue (wrong word) from the class since my work commitments will be overlapping with the course timing.

I am aware that currently there are no batches available in the morning time, however upon checking with the administration office of the coaching, I came to know that we (wrong pronoun) are going to have a morning batch from the next month. Thus, I would be looking forward to join the new batch from the next month.

I hope to see you next month in the new batch. Thank you for understanding my situation.

Yours sincerely,

Ms. Pradhan

purple teal 183Could you please evaluate this letter on the basis of Task achievement, coherence and cohesion, lexical resources and grammatical range and accuracy

The task completion is good, and so is the coherence and cohesion. You could work on better transition phrases to improve the coherence.

The lexical resource and grammatical accuracy are weak and need a lot of improvement. Most of your phrases are quite awkward.

This is a natural English rewrite of your letter. (~170 words)

Dear Mr. Bailey,

I am a student in your 6:30 pm Data Science class, and I am writing you this letter because, unfortunately, I have to drop out of the class.

I regret having to do this, but have little choice. I am a full-time employee with INeuron Tech. Recently, the management changed the work schedule and I have been assigned to the second shift, from noon to 9 pm, as of next Monday. I protested this decision but they refused my request. At present, I work the 9 am to 5 pm shift, which allows me to attend the 6:30 pm class.

I considered switching to another class, but currently there are no morning classes available. However upon checking with the administration office, I found that a new class will be starting next month and you will be teaching it. I will change my registration to this 9 am class.

I hope to see you next month. Thank you for understanding my situation.

Yours sincerely,

Ms. Pradhan

Please review my letter for IELTS

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