Please review my ielts writting

Many of the medical problems that people are experiencing in today's world are mainly due to the fact that we have a very sedentary lifestyle.

To what extent do you agree?

Nowadays, the gradual increase in the number of medical problems is controversial issues. Some people argue that a sedentary lifestyle is the main reasons for these problems, however, I strongly believe that there are other factors involving health problems.

The first reason is that polluted environment which is a risk for people’ s health. in highly industrialized countries, smokes from chimney factories and various means of transportation release hundreds of tons of gases into the atmosphere each day, which contributes mostly to global warming and hence threatening people’s life. Moreover, that industrial wastewater is not treated carefully before discharged back to the environment followed by contaminated water supply is also a reason for the outbreak of diseases.

Secondly, typical diseases like depression are considered as a serious consequence of fast pace of life. Due to the competition of work, people will easily be stresses without enough respite. Therefore, they are likely to go down with depression, which is dangerous. Furthermore, if parents are too busy to keep an eye on their children, they might feel lonely and fall prey to autism as a result. Thereafter, it is wrong to say that a sedentary life is the major cause of medical problems

Finally, people will be inevitably be taken ill without tight control of food. In order not to suffer from financial loss, manufacturers often produce food obtained from expensive and low-quality materials, followed by health decline. Vietnam is a telling example, because of the lack of verification of government, unsafe food is sold widespread, directly lead to health problems of all citizens.

To sum up, I totally disagree that many of the medical problems that people are experiencing in today's world are mainly due to a sedentary lifestyle, I believe that they are the results of the severely polluted environment, food-related problems, and fast-paced world.