Please review my IELTS writing taske 1 (pie chart)

Question

Hello,It took a quite long time for me to finish this IELTS writing task 1 with pie charts. Please review it for me!Thank you very much!The following is my essay:The three pie charts compare the proportions of expense in a year of an UK school in five categories including teachers’ salaries, furniture and equipment, resources, other workers’ salaries and insurance for three years 1981, 1991 and 2001.Overall, the highest percentage of spending was for teachers’ salaries for all three years which accounted for nearly a half of the total, and the smallest one was for insurance. Also, the proportion of salaries for other workers decreased and that of insurance increased, while there were fluctuations in other categories.In 1981, 40% of total spending was for teachers’ salaries. This number increased to 50% in 1991 and then dropped to 45% in 2001. Meanwhile, there was a fluctuation in the percentage of spending for furniture, in 1981 it was 15% but dropped 3 times to 5% in 1991, then this increased roughly 4 times in 2001 (23%). Similarly, the percentage of spending for resources increased by 5% from 1981 to 1991, but fell dramatically to 9% in 2001.In contrast, the percentage of salaries for other workers decreased linearly from 28% to 15% in three years. Finally, insurance accounted for smallest proportion of spending in all three years but it increased with 2%, 3%, and 8% in 1981, 1991, and 2001 respectively.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The three pie charts compare the proportions of expense in a year of an UK school in five categories including teachers’ salaries, furniture and equipment, resources, other workers’ salaries and insurance for three years 1981, 1991 and 2001.

That is a good attempt. You need to be much clearer about associating a pie chart with a year.

"Breakdown" means a classification into

That is a good attempt. You need to be much clearer about associating a pie chart with a year.

"Breakdown" means a classification into particular categories. It is a very good word to use for pie charts.

This is my description:

The three pie charts, labelled 1981, 1991, and 2001, give a breakdown of the expenditures for a UK school into five categories: teachers’ salaries, furniture and equipment, resources, other workers’ salaries and insurance.

Overall, the highest percentage ~~of spending~~ (You don't need to repeat this as it is in the opening paragraph.) was for teachers’ salaries for all three years which accounted for nearly a half of the total, and the smallest lowest ~~one~~ (With superlatives, you don't need a pronoun. When comparing with superlatives, use opposites high/low; largest/smallest; most/fewest ) was for insurance. Also, the proportion of salaries for other workers decreased and that of insurance increased, while there were small/large/modest variations ~~fluctuations~~ (Not a good word. See "vocabulary" below.) in other categories.

In 1981, 40% of total spending was for teachers’ salaries. This number increased to 50% in 1991 and then dropped to 45% in 2001. Meanwhile, there was a fluctuation in the percentage of spending for furniture, in 1981 it was 15% but dropped 3 times (incorrect description - "drop three times" means it dropped in year one, again in year 2, and the third time in year 3.) to 5% in 1991, then this increased roughly 4 times (incorrect) in 2001 (23%). Similarly, the percentage of spending for resources increased by 5% from 1981 to 1991, but fell dramatically to 9% in 2001.

In contrast, the percentage of salaries for other workers decreased continuously ~~linearly~~ from 28% to 15% in three years. Finally, insurance accounted for smallest proportion ~~of spending~~ in all three years but it increased steadily with 2%, 3%, and 8% in 1981, 1991, and 2001 respectively.

Vocabulary:

fluctuation, fluctuate

This means to have relatively rapid changes around a trend line or constant value. You cannot observe fluctuation with only a few data points, as in pie and bar charts.

These graphs illustrate the concept of fluctuation:

1. Cyclical (periodic, regular) fluctuations:

2. Random fluctuations around a trend line: The gray line is actual measured data. The "moving average" (the trend line) is shown in red. This kind of data is frequently used by suppliers to predict market demand.

3. Random fluctuations around a constant value. Often this instability is due to the sensitivity of the sensors, or noise in the measuring equipment. Sometimes this is called "jitter." There may be a cyclical trend line here, but it is not clear.

Please review my IELTS writing taske 1 (pie chart)

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