Please review my Ielts writing task 2. Thanks a lot

Question

Internet technology means people do not need to travel to foreign countries to understand how others live. To what extent do you agree or disagreeIn this day and age, due to the advancement of Internet technology, it is contended that people do not have to travel abroad to know more about others’ lives. This essay sheds light on why I wholeheartedly disagree with this assertion. On the other hand, the Internet is capable of helping inhabitants raise their awareness about other regions. At any rate, thanks to the ubiquitous appearance of various websites or blogs, residents can easily have access to lively images and breathtaking clips that demonstrate cultures and traditions in all parts of the world. To cite an example, so-called channel “Quang Linh vlog” on Youtube often updates videos about elated daily life in Africa, which entitles a sizable number of watchers to comprehend the fascinating customs of the African without having to allocate an exorbitant amount of money for commuting there.  On the other hand, going abroad has a great capacity for offering lively experiences that tourists cannot gain via virtual space. First and foremost, as the bulk of online information and documents sometimes only reflects positive facets of life in the interest of enhancing countries’ images, international tourists may not gain a deep insight into other negative aspects such as prolonged drought and massive deforestation in Africa. Secondly, directly going to overseas nations enables the masses to integrate into the life of indigenous citizens by means of enjoying local cuisines or manufacturing handmade traditional products, which cannot be done through the Internet.  In conclusion,  despite the tremendous benefits that online traveling brings to the public, it seems to be superior to directly commuting overseas to understand about other countries. Hence, I totally declare against the given perspective.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

In this day and age, ~~due to the advancement of Internet technology~~, (That is off-topic. It is not about research and development of new technologies such as artificial intelligence. ) it is contended that people do not have to travel abroad to know more about others’ lives since they can easily find this information on the internet. . ~~This essay sheds light on why~~ (Those words are pretty useless. Do not mention "essay." The examiner knows you are writing an essay already. Just answer the question.) I wholeheartedly disagree with this assertion.

You claimed that you disagree. 100%. But in the first paragraph you wrote about reasons for agreeing with the sentence. That will lower your score a lot for "task response" because you did not support your position. Delete this paragraph.

Here is the outline of the proper response:

Paragraph 1: Write about the first reason that you disagree. Positive experiences. Give examples.
Paragraph 2: Write about the second reason that you disagree. Honest view of the problems in another country. Give examples.

On the other hand, the Internet is capable of helping inhabitants raise their awareness about other regions. At any rate, thanks to the ubiquitous appearance of various websites or blogs, residents can easily have access to lively images and breathtaking clips that demonstrate cultures and traditions in all parts of the world. To cite an example, so-called channel “Quang Linh vlog” on Youtube often updates videos about elated daily life in Africa, which entitles a sizable number of watchers to comprehend the fascinating customs of the African without having to allocate an exorbitant amount of money for commuting there.

~~On the other hand,~~ (You have to support ONE view, not opposite opinions.)

Going abroad has a great capacity for offering lively experiences that tourists cannot gain via virtual travel. ~~space~~. First and foremost, as the bulk of online information and documents sometimes only reflects positive facets of life in the interest of enhancing countries’ images, international tourists may not gain a deep insight into other negative aspects such as prolonged drought and massive deforestation in Africa. Secondly, Directly going to overseas nations enables the masses (wrong word) to integrate into the life of indigenous citizens by means of enjoying local cuisines or manufacturing handmade traditional products, which cannot be done through the Internet. (Give an example of a "lively experience" that a foreign tourist would find in your country. Is there a celebration like New Years, or an interesting local market or boat trip or other excursion? What are some wonderful local handicrafts, and where should they go to get the most beautiful ones at the best prices?)

Now give your second reason. This is your second body paragraph.

Next, going to a country is the only way to have an authentic and honest experience which includes the negative aspects of the culture or environment as well. The ~~First and foremost, as~~ ~~the~~ bulk of online information and documents ~~sometimes~~ only reflects positive facets of life in the interest of enhancing countries’ images, and international tourists may not gain a deep insight into other negative aspects such as prolonged drought and massive deforestation in Africa. (Explain a little more about this. It would be better to use your own country as an example since you have personal knowledge.)

In conclusion, ~~despite the tremendous benefits that online traveling brings to the public,~~ (That does not support your thesis. Delete.) it seems to be superior to directly commuting (wrong word - commuting is going to work and then back home every day.) overseas to understand about other countries. Hence, I totally declare against the given perspective.

Please review my Ielts writing task 2. Thanks a lot

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