PLEASE REVIEW MY IELTS WRITING TASK 2. THANKS A LOT!

Question

Topic: International travel is becoming cheaper, and countries are opening their doors to more and more tourists? Do the advantages of increased tourism outweigh its disadvantages?

In recent times, the travel industry has witnessed massive growth due to the low-cost carrier business model. Indeed, the world has become a global village and people have changes to travel around the world. In spite of the demerits, I believe that the decrease in the cost of travel and the promotion of the tourism industry present a greater number of merits.

One of the biggest advantages of low-cost carrier is the economic prosperity. It can be generally seen that it plays an integral part of the tourism industry and creates many job opportunities. Indeed, the expenses paid by tourists certainly improve the lifeblood of the local populace. Because of the erection of plenty of hotels along the tourist attraction places, the unemployment rates are reduced and the income chances will invest funds into the country. Moreover, as long as the low-cost carrier exists, the middle or lower classes can afford to travel. For that reason, plenty of people are able to go to many different foreign countries for different purposes.

Turning to the other side, there are some demerits which cannot be neglected without any consideration. First of all, it is evident that we should consider the environmental damages when developing the industry tourism. Many animals are able to lose their habitats or there is an excessive number of tourists which impacts on the management waste.

In conclusion, decreasing the cost of travel and developing tourism bring many benefits in spite of some drawbacks which should be adequately controlled. It is expected that the countries around the world will further direct their efforts to promote the travel industry

Hung Dang · Accepted Answer

I think you did a great job in writing task 2. However, you still encountered some mistakes.

"Indeed, the world has become a global village and people have changes to travel around the world." I actually cannot understand this sentence because of these underlined words. Besides, you reused the word ' world' twice in this sentence so you should rephrase or find the synonyms which can replace the word 'world' .

Here is a sample sentence replacing that one.

This materialistic world has been considered as an 'industrilisation tourism factory' where individuals can approach easily all national destinations for jaunting.

Furthermore, for me, the word "indeed" is unsuitable in this case. As you may know, that word aims to emphasize the strongly positive agreement and is ofen used in speaking to answer yes/no question.

For example,

A: Do you agree that the advantages of increased tourism outweigh its disadvantages?

B: Yes, indeed./ Absolutely not.

Therefore, indeed is not a relevant word. In this case, I do not think you should use any words for that sentence replacing indeed

Some more tips to improve your writing:

-Make a group word:

You can make a group word by adding adjectives before noun. This way partly improves your lexical resource.

For example, "many animals" ===>> vastly huge number of various scarce, precious species of wild animals such as reptiles or mammals.

-Give a fake statistic in an example (optional)

I think you should do this method to easily show your flexiblity in using highly sophisticated, academical words.

Fake example:

To illustrate, according to Times magazine's statistics, over 1000 tourists who have bought inexpensive tourism services have destroyed roughly 20 species of rare coral by throwing their waste into the ocean and ruined the sustainable ecological biodiversity in Australia.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

In recent times, the travel industry has witnessed massive growth due to the low-cost carrier business model. Indeed, the world has become a global village and people have unprecedented opportunities to explore other countries and cultures. ~~changes to travel around the world~~. In spite of the problems ~~demerits~~, (wrong word) I believe that the decrease in the cost of travel and the promotion of the tourism industry present a greater number of benefits. (wrong word) ~~merits~~.

One of the biggest advantages of having low-cost carriers is ~~the~~ economic prosperity. It can be generally seen that it has become ~~plays~~ an integral part of the tourism industry and has created ~~creates~~ many job opportunities. Indeed, the money brought in ~~expenses paid~~ by tourists certainly raises ~~improves~~ the prosperity ~~lifeblood~~ of the local populace. Because of the erection of ~~plenty of~~ hotels near ~~along~~ the tourist attractions places, the unemployment rates are reduced and the income ~~chances~~ will create new investments in infrastructure and schools in ~~invest funds~~ ~~into~~ the country. Moreover, as long as the low-cost carrier exists, the middle or lower classes can afford to travel. For that reason, ~~plenty of~~ people are able to go to many different foreign countries for both business and pleasure. ~~different purposes~~.

Turning to the other side, there are some demerits (wrong word) which cannot be neglected without ~~any~~ consideration. First of all, it is evident that we should consider the environmental damages when developing ~~the industry~~ tourism. ~~Many animals are able to~~ (That is not a natural ability of animals!) ~~lose their habitats or there is an excessive number of tourists which impacts on the management waste.~~ (The habitat of some rare animals and plants may be lost if we are not careful. The proposed location of tourist facilities must be examined for potential harm before anything is built. In addition, tourists will generate waste, and adequate sanitation and waste-treatment plants must be provided to avoid environmental contamination.)

In conclusion, decreasing the cost of travel and developing tourism bring many benefits in spite of some drawbacks which can ~~should~~ be adequately controlled. It is expected that the countries around the world will further direct their efforts to promote the travel industry (missing punctuation)

PLEASE REVIEW MY IELTS WRITING TASK 2. THANKS A LOT!

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