Please review my IELTS writing task 2!!! Thank a lot!!!

Topic: Some people think that people who choose a job early and keep doing it are more likely to get a satisfying career life than those who frequently change jobs. To what extent, do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe that people who ussually change their occupations have less successful career than those who keep pursuiting their initial jobs. This essay agree with that opinion because to achieve a satisfying carreer life, people have to gain deep knowledge and establish wide networks.

A successful career life requires people devote their time to gain knowledge and experiences deeptly. Being through ups and downs trains people from their faults and allows them get the valuable knowledge which are only provided by real life experiences. But changing jobs frequently cannot broaden their mind enough because of lacking time. For example, Warren Buffet is one of the richest people in the world only from investment. However, most of his properties have came after his 50s when he had been through successful and wrong investment decisions. His huge understading and experiences in investment field are accummulated since his 20s when he choose to purchase investment career and help him gain his success as today’s.

Large relation network is another reason for successful career life but also take time to build up. People who change their jobs frequently have chances to meet people working in different fields but do not have time to expand their relationships in a certain field. When they need helps or advices, their choices are limited. Relation networks play important role in al fields, and brokerage is an typical illustration. Brokers need to find customers to provide their services and need information suppliers as well. Widen relation network is only way for them to be success. They can ask their colleagues, bosses or even their customers. Nevertheless, the most important thing is gaining the trust from customers and it takes long time and efforts from brokers.

In conclusion, by getting deeper knowledge and broaden networks, chosing and doing a certain job is better choice than changing it often to achieve a successful career.