Please review my IELTS writing task 2 Essay

Question

Topic: Some students work while studying. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this trend and give your own opinion. Write at least 250 words.My essay:Many students choose to do part-time work during their educational career. Although students will often struggle with some health issues and time challenges while working, they will also gain significant experiences that will be precious later on in their careers. In my opinion, students are much better off not working during school years despite some benefits. First off, pursuing work outside classes will enhance their skills and experience, which would be otherwise impossible if students only studied without working. To keep students always active, they are required to learn how to manage their time between work and school, which is an important skill to master for future success. Additionally, during the working process, students can have opportunities to be exposed to a professional work environment where they meet with various people, learn various office skills and experiences and build their characters. Then, with a list of job skills on their resume, students will be highly appreciated by the employers in the future.  However, the main challenges that students may face are usually related to health issues and their time for other activities. Devoting too much time to work partially limits students’ time for friends and extracurricular activities because there’s no doubt that missing out on outdoor activities and friendship can impact social bonding with peers and society. Also, extended hours for work and studying prevent students from having no time to take care of their health carefully. As a result, they are more likely to suffer from health issues, which later leads to poor performance at school and low productivity. My brother is a case in point. When studying in the university, he continually worked and studied for a long time, so he frequently felt exhausted and made more errors than he used to.  To sum up, working while studying definitely has benefits that help students to succeed in life; however, these children also face some problems. It is recommended that children should study and enjoy their youth without needing to work.  332 words Thank you for reviewing my essay. Have a nice day!

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Your essay is too long. The minimum is 250. You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high band scores. And there are many reasons for this.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.

Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task response or coherence and cohesion.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. Do not write about things that are not specifically given in the task. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even lose your direction and contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples and personal experiences. It is much better to have two well-developed and fleshed-out argument points than to have four which are just individual separate statements.

Fourth, you will spend a lot of time writing, and not have sufficient time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, which everyone makes, and that lowers your score.

Fifth, you will not have enough time for Task 1, and get a lower score there. You should allow 40 minutes for task and 20 minutes for Task 1. The word counts are designed so that you have ample time for brainstorming and then writing the two parts.

Aim to write around 270-290 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Many students choose to do part-time work during their school years. ~~educational career.~~ Although they ~~students~~ (Deft use of pronouns are the mark of a good writer. You can improve your writing skills by employing pronouns instead of repeating the same nouns.) will often struggle with some health issues and time challenges while working, they will also gain significant experiences that will be valuable ~~precious~~ later on in their careers. However, in (You need a transition word or phrase indicating a contrasting idea. ) my opinion, students are much better off not working during school years despite the ~~some~~ benefits.

First off, pursuing work outside classes will ~~enhance~~ (not a good word choice.) ~~their~~ give them some skills and experience, (no comma) which would be otherwise impossible if students only studied without working. ~~To keep students always active~~, (That does not make sense.) In particular, they ~~are required~~ have to learn how to manage their time between work and school, which is an important skill to master for future success. Additionally, ~~during the working process~~, ~~students can~~ they will have opportunities to be employed in ~~exposed to~~ a professional work environment where they meet with other ~~various~~ people, learn ~~various~~ office skills and ~~experiences and~~ (We do not "learn experiences.") build their characters. Then, with a list of job skills on their resume, they ~~students~~ will be highly appreciated by ~~the~~ employers in the future.

However, the main challenges that students may face are usually related to health issues and their time for other activities. Devoting too much time to work partially limits students’ time for friends and extracurricular activities ~~because there’s~~ (Do not use contractions in formal writing.) ~~no doubt that~~ and missing out on outdoor activities and forming strong friendships can impact social bonding with peers and society. Also, extended hours for work and study ~~studying~~ prevent students from having no time to take care of their health carefully. ~~As a result, they are more likely to suffer from health issues, which later leads to poor performance at school and low productivity.~~ (You do not need that sentence because you have a personal example.) My brother is a case in point. When studying in the university, he continually worked and studied for a long time, so he frequently felt exhausted and made more errors than he used to.

To sum up, working while studying definitely has benefits that help students to succeed in life; however, ~~these children also~~ ~~face~~ it also creates some problems. It is recommended that ~~children~~ they should study and enjoy their youth without needing to work.

Please review my IELTS writing task 2 Essay

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions