Please review my IELTS writing task 2 and tell me my level.

Question

Some people believe that robots will play an important role in future societies, while others argue that robots might have negative effects on society. Discuss both views and give your opinion.With the advancements of technology, there has been a controversial debate revolving around whether robots will make a decisive contribution to future society or cause negative effects on it. I am going to prove that their benefits outweigh the drawbacks in this essay.On the one hand, robots will start a technological revolution in our industry, especially in solving human resource. First, robots are considered cheap labor that can work in hard-working conditions or even manual jobs quickly that humans can not bear. Moreover, robots do not need to eat or rest so they can work more productively compared to humans in the same amount of time. For example, robots can substitute for humans in lifting or packing heavy goods in factories 24 hours a day. Second, robots are pre-programmed to do repetitive works so that there will not have any errors or differences between productions under the system censorship in perfect-working conditions. With the support of robots, humans have more extra time to do their hobbies, experience new things in life. For instance, Japan is famous for using robots to replace humans in doing household chores in their house, so that the residents can relax after a hard-working day.On the other hand, overusing machines can lead to many negative effects on society. Humans will become more dependent on them and gradually lose their own skills such as cooking, cleaning, etc. Besides, being used to robots, people have to face significant barriers in communication because of the less face-to-face interaction. However, the most serious issue that robots bring about is the increase in the unemployment rate. While humans can not work more efficiently than machines, they will be taken place, which can lead to bigger problems such as poverty, crime, and so on.In conclusion, if robots can raise the prospect of humans having better life conditions, they are worthy to be welcome.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

~~With the advancements of technology, there has been a controversial debate~~ (Those are phrases that I see students use all the time. "Debate", "controversy" and "advancements of technology" are memorized phrases that are used in opening sentences of IELTS Task 2 essays regardless of whether they are appropriate or not. In this case, they are not appropriate.) revolving around whether robots will make a decisive contribution to future society or cause negative effects on it. (Both things can happen!) ~~I am going to prove that their benefits outweigh the drawbacks in this essay.~~

Do not mention your essay. Do not write things like "I am going to discuss / prove/ convince..." This is not a thesis statement.

This is not an advantages/disadvantages essay. That is a different essay type. Do not confuse them. Your score will suffer from this misconception.

The views in the statement are not opposite each other or mutually exclusive. Both can be true at the same time. So transition phrases such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" must be very carefully used to present complete opposites. You have not done this convincingly.

You need to show the examiner that you have understood the topic.

Here is an example opening paragraph. Note that the opening is very specific to the task. It rephrases both opinions, and gives a personal viewpoint. After reading it, the examiner is convinced that you have understood the task completely. They also expect the body paragraphs to discuss the two opinions and support yours.

Robots are being developed for use in more and more applications. While they are standard in manufacturing assembly lines, there are experimental robots replacing nurses in hospitals and driving delivery trucks on the highways. Many welcome and encourage the displacement of jobs now occupied by humans with artificial intelligence. But this encroachment of robots into these more visible occupations in society has some people worried that their net effect will be detrimental. Personally, I am not concerned. If machines can take over the difficult, boring and repetitive jobs, our lives will be better.

Note that this opening paragraph has six sentences. Ideally, opening paragraphs have three to five (maximum). The reason why this one has more is because the task prompt requires three things: viewpoint 1, viewpoint 2, and an opinion. The two viewpoints are not two sides of the same coin, so it is impossible to combine them effectively in one sentence. The longer opening paragraph is justified.

I could have condensed the opinion statement into one sentence. However, the previous sentences were rather lengthy. The variety of having a very short sentence after some long sentences is very striking for the reader. The sentence of five words -- Personally, I am not concerned. -- is like an exclamation point. It is very forceful. Deliberate stylistic effects such as this get the highest scores. However, it is quite an advanced skill to master for students.

Personally, I believe that if machines can take over the difficult, boring and repetitive jobs, our lives will be better.

On the one hand, robots will start (They already have in many specific areas such as packaging and manufacture of semiconductor chips. It is not in the future!) a technological revolution in our industry, (which industry are you talking about?) especially in solving human resource. (wrong form. Also this phrase is not a problem description. ) First, robots are considered cheap labor that can work in hard-working conditions or even manual jobs ~~quickly that humans can not bear.~~ (unnatural) Moreover, robots do not need to eat or rest so they can work more productively compared to humans in the same amount of time. For example, robots can substitute for humans in lifting or packing heavy goods in factories 24 hours a day. Second, robots are pre-programmed to do repetitive works (wrong form) so that there will not have (wrong verb) any errors or differences between productions (wrong usage) under the system censorship (wrong word) in perfect-working conditions. With the support of robots, humans have more free ~~extra~~ time to do their hobbies, (missing conjunction) experience new things in life. For instance, Japan is famous for using robots to replace humans in doing household chores ~~in their house~~, (redundant) so that the residents can relax after a ~~hard-working~~ long day at work.

On the other hand, overusing machines can lead to many negative effects on society. Humans will become more dependent on them and gradually lose their own skills such as cooking, cleaning, etc. (Do not use ellipses, "etc." or phrases like "and so on" in formal essays.) Besides, being used to robots, people have to face significant barriers in communication because of the less face-to-face interaction. (You have to justify this. You said that people have more free time for socializing and traveling - this means more time in interacting with others. Be careful not to contradict your previous points.) However, the most serious issue that robots bring about is the increase in the unemployment rate. While humans can not work more efficiently than machines, they will be taken place, (wrong phrase) which can lead to bigger problems such as poverty, crime, and so on.

In conclusion, if robots can raise the prospect of raising the amount of leisure time for everyone, ~~humans having better life conditions~~, they are worthy to be used in many situations. ~~be welcome~~.

Please review my IELTS writing task 2 and tell me my level.

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