Please review my IELTS writing task 2

Topic:

Students perform better in school when they are rewarded rather than punished. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay:

Giving out rewards for good performance and punishments for bad behavior have long been the two main ways of improving students’ qualities in school. However, rewarding students for their good works is believed to be more advantageous to punishing. Personally, I completely agree with such view.

First, praising children encourages them to further pursue their study pathway. As their performances are appreciated, they feel a sense of well-being which motivates them to thrive greatly. For example, if a tutee is rewarded with bonus points for positively contributing to a lesson, he will prepare the lesson in detail in advance to attain these extra marks. As a result, the amount of knowledge can be conveyed to the students much easier. Moreover, giving out rewards also have affirmative impacts on other individuals. This is because it creates a competitive atmosphere which makes the students compete for the rewards. Consequently, enhancing the quality of students' performance in school.

Second, punishments cause detrimental effects to children’ mental health and behavior. Students are frightened of being punished and the fear makes them think of studying as a form of pressure and anxiety. For instance, students at many elementary grades fear going to school when they haven’t completed their homework as they usually get hit in the hands. Therefore, these students are likely to develop stress and physiological disorders instead of improvement. In other words, punishments have a bad effect on not only mental but also physical health of students.

To sum up, rewarding students is arguably more important in their success compared to brutal punishments. By giving rewards and eradicating punishments, students are motivated to strive further and feel better.