Please review my IELTS writing task 2.

Question

Topic:

Some people say that a country will benefit greatly if its students study abroad. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

My essay:

Today studying abroad seems to be perfectly preferred by many parents as well as students. It is said that a country where there is a huge number of abroad students tends to acquire an immense prospect. As far as I am concerned, I almost disagree with that statement. This is because of many reasons, and I will analyze some primary of which in this essay.
To begin with, it is likely that most people choose to study overseas according to their advantages, which is the first place in their list of purposes. In other words, their main aim is not for their country. As a matter of fact, their country, probably, does not facilitate a sufficient environment for them to boost their talent as possible as they desire. In turn, studying abroad opens a door to access novel expertise that they do not have an opportunity to be equipped in their country. Moreover, although having to confront a competitive environment in a strange country, they are still able to earn a considerable amount of income as long as they substantially make enough efforts.
Another reason I would like to mention is a knock-on result from the previous reason. When the scale of prospects people receive in another country is higher than that their country provides them, it is probably that people, eventually, gravitate toward opting for a stay at a foreign place. In fact, we have a so-call word in relation to this phenomenon: “ brain drain”, which leads to a consequence that a country may suffer from the loss of talents.
In conclusion, despite the benefits that individuals can obtain from studying overseas for their own sake, there is a likelihood that a country has a tendency to face detrimental effects rather than great benefits.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Many students think that if they use high-level vocabulary, they will get a higher band score. This is a false impression. One of the four scoring criteria for Task 2 is "Lexical Resource." A student with a high level of lexical resource not only knows many words, but they know how to use them. Here are the descriptors:

Band score 7:

? uses a sufficient range of v

Band score 7:

? uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
? uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation
? may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation

Band score 6:

? uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
? attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
? makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication

The issue with your essay is that you make too many errors in word choice and usage. It is not enough to know a word from the dictionary; you have to use it correctly in a sentence. So it is much better to use vocabulary you know well than to make a lot of errors with words you are uncertain about.

I believe you would get a score lower than 6 in "Lexical Resource" because the communication is frequently impeded by your injudicious choice of words and unnatural phrasing.

Today studying abroad seems to be ~~perfectly~~ (wrong usage) preferred by many parents as well as students. It is said that a country where there is a ~~huge~~ large number of abroad students (wrong word order) tends to acquire an immense prospect. (wrong usage) As far as I am concerned, I almost (wrong word) disagree with that statement because a degree from a prestigious school benefits the student, not his homeland. ~~This is because of many reasons, and I will analyze some primary of which in this essay.~~

(Never mention your essay. Give the examiner a hint at your main point.)

To begin with, it is likely that most people choose to study overseas according to their advantages, (awkward, unnatural) which is the first place in their list of purposes. In other words, their main aim is not for their country. As a matter of fact, their country, probably, does not facilitate a sufficient environment (very unnatural and awkward. The word usage is not good. ) for them to boost their talent as possible as they desire. (very unnatural and awkward ) In turn, studying abroad opens a door to access novel expertise that they do not have an opportunity to be equipped in their country. (very unnatural and awkward ) Moreover, although having to confront a competitive environment in a strange country, they are still able to earn a considerable amount of income as long as they substantially make enough efforts.
(Off-topic) (You need to start a new paragraph if you are going to change the subject.) Another reason I would like to mention is a knock-on result (Not a good vocabulary choice. "knock-on effect" is an idiom. "Knock-on result" is not. ) from the previous reason. When the scale of prospects (wrong usage. You are not using these words correctly.) people receive in another country is higher than that their country provides them, it is probably (wrong form) that people, eventually, gravitate toward opting for a stay at a foreign place. (poor English) In fact, we have a so-call (wrong form.) word in relation to this phenomenon: “ brain drain”, which leads to a consequence that a country may suffer from the loss of talents. (wrong form)
In conclusion, despite the benefits that individuals can obtain from studying overseas for their own sake, there is a likelihood that a country has a tendency (these are very weak statements. You need to write your statements with more strength. ) to face detrimental effects rather than great benefits.

Please review my IELTS writing task 2.

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