Please review my IELTS Writing Task 2

Question

"The education you receive from your family is more important than the education you receive from school". To what extent do you agree with this statement and why?Give reasons to your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.Write at least 250 wordsSome people think that what we get from our family's education is more essential than the one we get from school. While this is true to some extent, I think tutoring from the teachers at school is as crucial as from family. First of all, what we learn from your family affects considerably to how we behave outside the social. If we are well-educated, we will become a beloved person. A well-educated person is the one who is well-mannered with the elderly, with friends or people in general, such as: help the elderly cross the road, know to say "sorry" when having faults, know to say "thank you" when being helped. Contrary to this, if we do not get good education from our family, we will be spoiled day by day. We behave badly with people around us, use violence to solve problems and many more. On the other hand, the education we get from school is also necessary. From school, we will get knowledge from various fields like: Mathematics, Physics, Literature,... Standard of living is getting higher and higher, which demands people to have a range knowledge to work, to live and there is no doubt that school is the best choice to comprehend knowledge. If we don't have it, we nearly cannot do anything. In conclusion, I believe that what we learn from our parents cannot be denied but besides that, school's education is indispensable to maturity.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Some people think that what we learn ~~get~~ from our family~~'s education~~ (Family's education is not good here. It means the education that your family members have, such as a college degree.) is more essential than what ~~the one~~ we get from school. While this is true to some extent, I think tutoring from the teachers at school is as crucial as from family members..

(You did not answer the essay prompt directly. To what extent do you agree with this statement and why? Your thesis statement must give an answer and prepare the reader for your arguments. It must include both parts of the question.

Here are some example thesis statements for this topic:

1. I do not agree at all because teachers are trained and experienced in educating children and family members are not. The education in school is much more important for success in the future.

2. I somewhat agree because parents spend more time with their children and are devoted to their preparation for the future.

3. I partially agree because parents show their children moral behavior and responsibilities whereas teachers cover only academic subjects.

4. I agree completely because what parents teach, proper behavior and setting future goals is much more important than academics taught in the education system.

First of all, what we learn from your family affects considerably to ("affect to" is not a good collocation) how we behave outside the social. (Social is an adjective. You have used it incorrectly as a noun.) If we are well-educated, we will become a beloved person. A well-educated person is ~~the~~ one who is well-mannered with the elderly, with friends or people in general, such as: help (wrong form - you need the participle) the elderly cross the road, know to say "sorry" when making a mistake ~~having faults~~, know to say "thank you" when being helped. Contrary to this, if we do not get a good education from our family, we will be spoiled ~~day by day~~. We behave badly with people around us, use violence to solve problems and get involved with gangs and criminals. ~~many more~~.
On the other hand, the education we get from school is also necessary. From school, we will gain ~~get~~ knowledge from various fields like: Mathematics, Physics, Literature,... (Do not use ellipses, "etc." or phrases such as "and so on" in formal essays.) Standard of living is getting higher and higher, (That does not make sense.) which demands people to have a range knowledge (incorrect phrase. What kind of knowledge is "range knowledge"?) to work, to live (Ungrammatical. Missing conjunction) and there is no doubt that school is the best choice to comprehend knowledge. (incorrect phrase) If we don't (Do not use contractions in formal writing.) have it, we ~~nearly~~ cannot do anything but very low-paying jobs.
In conclusion, I believe that the importance of what we learn from our parents cannot be denied but besides that, ~~school's education~~ (incorrect phrase) the education we get in school is indispensable to maturity. (wrong word)

Please review my IELTS Writing Task 2

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